Oh, One Last Slap

Oh you dear dear dear poor bored folk! Oh well since you insist, I will lay out one last Blistex post down since, as it happens, I had some very important face-time with Miss Jane at the Brain Gain event. Shall I tell you about it? Oh sugar plums of course this was too much of an event to not share!

Now while it had been some time since my last Brain Gain Drain appearance with my baby-daddy, we decided to go this time. Why? Honey, free newsroom tours! As cheesy as it may be, we got excited about this. Seeing the presses run and so forth, oh happy day! So when I later hear that the mayoral candidates will be showing up, I wasn’t a tad irritated. Alas, baby-daddy told me he just had a man-manicure and wanted to show it off. Oh, fine then.

Now it is interesting how you can judge people by their shoes and pants and be right. The usual pro crowd of course wearing nicely polished shoes, the slutty pro crowd in tall designer boots of the season, the dateless bloggers wearing beat up sneakers, and the last minute citizens in jeans trying to pretend they go to these things all the time. But suddenly I remembered why we stopped going to these things: the cheapest wine, beer in cans, and the stench of egg rolls! Crain Lake wine. Oh Christ well at least it wasn’t Charles Shaw! Generic Busch and other domestic swill in a cans?! At least give us a bottle of Heineken or something! So, everyone pigged out and sipped their swill and pigged out some more. Really, the free goods is the ONLY reason people show up. So anyway, while sitting through the ‘Believe in Cleveland’ commercials (that fact you must make commercials saying you don’t rot, makes it look like you rot even more) I’m standing next to Cathy P-girl from RRR as she gabba-gabba-hey’s with my little co-workers. Now mind you at first I truly thought she was Miss Jane’s assistant; the ratty hair, roots showing, sun scarred skin, awful manicure, you’d think living in Europe would have helped polish these things? I did like her suit though.

The girls were going over notes, massaging each other’s thighs, and about ready to make out. Cathy P-girl looks at me as my baby-daddy is introducing me to plain Miss Jane, and it was like BLAM, LOOK AT MY BLUE ASS FUCKING EYELINER, LOOK! BLUE! Oh sweeties, I almost had a heart attack, it was like a car crash where you can help but stare. So this is the woman so many men get freaky about? Scared of? Claimed she has too much power and so on? Are you kidding? There’s something called ‘presence’ and she don’t got it. She was an odd little creature to say the least – I felt I could easily snap her in two.

But the best part: Miss Jane hears all about me and us and how we aren’t from Cleveburgh and how we moved here thinking it’d be something neeto and so forth. She tells me how GLAD she is that people like me are moving to Cleveland from them-there-big-cities (oh you mean cities that actually have a decent pay scale?), how reaffirming it is for citizens and she hopes I stay. “Well” I said “I’m trying to leave, but there really isn’t anywhere left to go”.

Jaded and We Hate It

Well now kids!

Unless you are a complete moron, most of you no doubt could guess by just reading a few of these things that Miss Blistex is not a real person, that this was a group effort of 3 or 4 people and basically done on a bet as something to waste away time with over the summer between Pacifico swigs. Well pudding, the summer has been long over and all parties involved agreed that, well, this is some dumb ass shit.

Like many, a few of us quickly realized that blogs are indeed just glorified gossip columns, online diaries of losers who just link to other news websites, and a bunch of whiney asses with no sense of humour and like to bitch. Does anyone really care ? Unfortunately people have too much free time at work so appearantly, yes, people will read just about anything. Even this piece of crap!

So in the end, experiment fulfilled, verdicts are in (being that bloggers are total nerds who get very touchy about WiFi), and we all decided we have much better things to do than rotate this thing while dumbasses get their panties in a bunch. Once one person began to slack it was clear this had lost the initial novelty. So we leave you with an archive as our legacy of....whatever it is.

The Three Jem Dolls

Now that is scary!

I'm convinced that way too many celebrities and stylists grew up thinking that She-Ra and Jem and the Holograms dolls were appropriate for show business. Donatella looks more and more like an aging Pizzaz don't you think? Or a typical Russian call girl.

Beyonce can still be cute when she ditches the hooker-meets-The Supremes threads that her mom makes for her. But how long until she starts getting, older, crazier and hooked on eating her own hair extensions while injecting twice the recommended dose of botox into her cheeks and forehead?

This is kind of funny in a sad way:
http://news.bostonherald.com/localRegional/view.bg?articleid=107538
But not near as funny as the designer handbags.

Worst Styled Magazine Cover Ever

This is possibly the worst cover photo for a fashion magazine I have ever seen in my life! Not to mention it is of Kate Hudson. I really want to know why Kate Hudson is on covers of fashion magazines so often -- who is her publicist anyways? All I know is this stylist needs to be fired.

The only good movie Kate was ever in was Almost Famous, and that was what 2001? Is being the daughter of a washed up actress and being married to a washed up rock singer that interesting? She really never had a career if you think about it.

Of course if you pick up this issue, you will see all the lovely photos of her and her child juxtaposed with close-up shots of her butt hanging out of her kimono robe. Her butt and her home decor are the main features. I didn't read the interview, because really sugar plum, what could she possibly have to say?

Anyways...

Here is an actual conversation I overheard at one of the more upscale grocery stores in the suburbs. It gave me a window into the mind of the typical young gal who lives in these places, has multi-colored highlights that are a tad obscene, and is probably one that has a habit of knocking over her Martnini glasses in public when she gets to have a night out with the girls at one of the many outdoor "Lifestyle Centers":

"Yeah so this spatula, it is non-stick too."
"Wow really?"
"Yeah, and it can be heated to over 600 degrees!"
"Oh my God, that's Awesome!"

Only in Bay Village kids, only in Bay Village.

Theory dictionary

This is all just getting too stupid and predictable. But alas, some time now before we wind down (and I think some of you know what I'm talking about).

In Halloween news, my son and my baby-daddy asked what he should be for this year. What? You didn't know I have a son? Well most people don't so I'm not surprised. You see, baby-daddy and I adopted the little runt when he was a cutey pie; now unfortunately he has turned into a very unattractive little boy and we really don't like keeping pictures around or having our friends actually "see" him unless the daylight hours are winding down. So anyways, I told the little man he was to be a dinning room table this year -- as in he will be underneath it during our party. So now he gets to pick out the table cloth, motherhood can be such a joy in these moments don't you think?

As a jumping off point from yesterday I thought I would give some of you the handy dandy art theory dictionary as compiled by the editor and author of Most Art Sucks and Coagula. With so many grad students and so-called critics immersing themselves in post-post-post modern theory-ish type thingamagiggers, this can always be helpful for being able to tell who is a turd steak.

Post Structuralism: Language is everything but means nothing
Marxism: If you build a wall they will stay
Deconstruction: Pretentious description of the act of analyzing
Semiotics: Every picture tells a story
Derrida: A smart Frenchman who was a jerk
Foucalt: A smart Frenchman who didn't use a condom
Baudrillard: A smart Frenchman who likes Las Vegas
Lacan: A smart Frenchman who hates Freud
Formalism: A boring new innovation is better than an exciting rehash
Essentialism: The space between your legs is more important than the space between your ears
Psychology: If you caught your parents fucking, you're fucked
Modernism: History ended not with a bang, but with a white cube
Post-Modernism: Monocrome paintings are boring
Pop Art: Cartoons are never boring
Kitch: Not only are cartoons never boring, they're collectable!
Signifier: Adjective
Signified: Noun
Quality: Taste
Activism: Desire to relive the 60's
Nihilism: Desire to relive the 70's
Narcissism: The desire of the talentless to have the fact ignored
Romaticism: Trust the artist, not the bad painting they left behind
Elitism: Trust-fund kids are the best judges of what matters
Hickeyism: Overweight chain smokers are the best judges of beauty
Academicism: Tenured profs are the best judges of what you need to know
Multiculturalism: Gimme some of that wall space white boy!
Classicism: Give dead Greeks all of the shelf space
Spiritualism: Aesthetics without taste
Sublime: The term aetheists use to describe Spiritualism
Cronyism: When successful people hire complete losers
Late Capitalism: What the sore losers insist on labeling the current era

There's more, I would like to add to these as well. But suddenly I just don't give a darn crap and want a sandwich.

Mediocre Root Beer & Nacho Burp

There was some discussion yesterday in my little clan of boozed up, K snorting (yes that was my solution for the liquid K), cheese eating business associates....and slutty friends who sometimes sit on their laps. How the internet and cheaper tech tools have given a stream of mediocre "talent" the resources to lay their creations on the public at large. I thought it was interesting to say the least. Here were three examples:

1.) In the good old days, if your band was good you got noticed and put out a record. You knew you were good because otherwise you wouldn't spend loads of dough on equipment and maybe some costly studio time. If you were bad, the band broke up or settled for the local dive to play once a year. Now every crap band out there can record on a dime, self release an album through something like CD Baby and get on streaming PodCasts and internet radio. The flimsey demo looking CDR with cheap packaging is something that is perfectly acceptable to sell in a store these days.

2.) In the good old days, if you were a good writer you wrote for magazines, were hired by a newspaper or got a book deal because your stuff stood out from all the other jerks. Now, everyone considers themself a "journalist" a "writer" and the quality of writing has gone downhill again due to, self-publishing, blogs, internet zines and so forth. Did your book get a bad review on a well known book site? Well what do you expect when the fiction editor is a snot nosed 20 year old who doesn't know who Gogol is?

3.) In the good old days, if you were a talented film maker and worked at it, you got your films in theaters, festivals or at least on PBS. Now, people can self-release DVDs and still somehow get distribution through outlets that cater to the low budget student, at-home Final Cut Pro editor (and other variations) or DV filmographer. While I do love some of the titles from Unit Shifter, I have come away from several documentaries feeling, "my 10 year old sister could have filmed that!"

While I know many people who do these things might be talented, you have to admit, there's a lower standard than there used to be in all areas mainly caused by the sheer volume -- not to mention a lot more crap you have to wade through to get to the good stuff. It makes me wonder, have standards been lowered? Do we embrace mediocrity more than before? Have people been programmed enough over the past 6-8 years that certain things are "good" when they in fact pale in comparison to past achievments? All I can say is that I have read a total of 2 Chick Lit books; the writing styles and reading experience was about the same level as something like The Baby Sitters Club -- only with you know, martinis, designer handbags and sluts who hunt for a husband non-stop.

But then again, what do I know? I have a blog for christ sakes! And see, I admit it is dumb!

"Blog" sounds pretty much like what it is, a nasty root beer and nacho burp. Or a reverse ass fart. It could go either way.

Halloween Costume Confirmed

Check it out at Zero, thank you Juxtapoz and Liz McGrath for knowing a good thing.
I'm thinking just this T-Shirt will be my Halloween costume, seriously, I mean it is just so scary looking isn't it? If I were a child and saw that, I would totally scream and cry! Isn't this just a perfect horror film poster?