Best Thing About Monday?

Yummy Yummy Yummy

Prison Break is a tad ridiculous but GODDAM I'd like me some of that. I'm not a huge fan of the full sleeve and upper body tattoo, but honey that boy can pin me down in the cell any day. The only worries I would have are of him in old age with tattooed sagging man boobage. Speaking of saggy man boobs, cut tofu out of your diet and you won't grow any. Seriously, vegetarian men who eat too much tofu get man boobs -- it is a scientific fact!

I was going to rant and rave about the Duck Island residents of Cleveland who are opposing the proposed new public housing to be built in that area. How I'm sure a good 90% of those residents voted for Kerry, and how I hate limosine liberals. "Oh let's give money to a nonprofit that supports inner city youth in Santiago -- what poor black people moving into my neighborhhood! Not on my watch!" But dammit, I know public housing breeds criminals. A pal of mine w/ a two year old daughter was given her options at the welfare office and when public housing was one, she stated that she would rather live on the street. I would too. But at the same time I hate uber white liberals who pretend to care for the unfortunate and then mow down homeless people in their SUVs, or get scared when they see a black man who hasn't shaved in a few days. Whatever, I've had 3 shots of Sambuca already so pay no mind to my drunk ass.

Today was also going to be the start of my stories of how I used to have an interesting life before getting addicted to crystal meth, tequila and then moving to Cleveland. Glamorous eh? Well I'll have you know I was doing just fine until I moved into a bungalow that was just screaming "Life the life of Julia Phillips all over again sweetie!" I'll expose secrets, gossip, and slander another time when I'm not so blasted. Or how about I start you off with a short list of celebrity related crap:

-Stone Phillps was a good kisser until I saw his old man turkey neck peep out

-Everyone who works for Disney is gay

-The Hexan production team blew almost their entire sale of The Blair Witch Project to Artisan on coke

-Charlie Rose WILL corner you at a party and you WILL be overwhelmed by the booze stench

-Paul Simon is shorter than you think

-David Spade is taller than you think

-I once banged an Academy Award winning actor in his trailor, but sadly out of respect to him I cannot tell you who (shucks!)

-I peed in Morrisey's pool

-Bill Mahar prefers black hookers

-I bought a $1,200 camel hair jacket, and cut the sleeves off at a charity event afterparty because I got too hot. Goldie Hawn thought it looked better that way. Then again, she used to suck a lot of cock.