Chocolate Covered Ass Farts
So a bunch of us gathered 'round for the Rebecca Ryan webcast via Cleveland.com yesterday afternoon along with some wine, some blow and some brie. Though she has perfected the scripted ass lick banter, we kept nodding off and getting confused by her "plugging in" statements. I think I can sum up these kinds of consultants in a very entertaining way:
Hi everybody, do you like my new haircut? Yes I went for the dot commer butch look. But of course you have to dye it red or some other off beat color to say to the world "I'm edgy, and I've got some really wild ideas man". Now I know everyone wishes they could have blinding white teeth like my horse mouth here, but I have a better way to get people to pay attention to you; start by swallowing every copy of Ad Busters and Fast Company circa 1999-2000, and let it digest for a while. Go out and get yourself a good striped shirt to wear to the office and to meetings. No, not any striped shirt, you want asymetrical man! It says to people that you are serious, business oriented, but that you are also a Gen Xer, a Democrat AND have possibly had a threesome more than once in life. Now, remember those magazine back issues you swallowed? Well all that is left for you to get a silver platter and steam that shit out like a chocolate thunderstorm! Ta-da! You now are ready to take your consultation fee. People at first might think your ideas are way too progressive; telling cities to use "buzz words" like al fresca instead of patio, or suggesting they use woodchips for bike paths instead of pavement. But don't let that deter you, eventually you will find a sucker within the city government that will champion you because they don't know any better. Afterall, action is too much work, it is much easier to have meetings about meetings and then have a meeting about those meetings. Ah, Ohio.
I leave you now with a couple who really didn't know any better: http://socialitelife.com/mt/archives/a_big_pink_example_of_bad_taste.php
Hi everybody, do you like my new haircut? Yes I went for the dot commer butch look. But of course you have to dye it red or some other off beat color to say to the world "I'm edgy, and I've got some really wild ideas man". Now I know everyone wishes they could have blinding white teeth like my horse mouth here, but I have a better way to get people to pay attention to you; start by swallowing every copy of Ad Busters and Fast Company circa 1999-2000, and let it digest for a while. Go out and get yourself a good striped shirt to wear to the office and to meetings. No, not any striped shirt, you want asymetrical man! It says to people that you are serious, business oriented, but that you are also a Gen Xer, a Democrat AND have possibly had a threesome more than once in life. Now, remember those magazine back issues you swallowed? Well all that is left for you to get a silver platter and steam that shit out like a chocolate thunderstorm! Ta-da! You now are ready to take your consultation fee. People at first might think your ideas are way too progressive; telling cities to use "buzz words" like al fresca instead of patio, or suggesting they use woodchips for bike paths instead of pavement. But don't let that deter you, eventually you will find a sucker within the city government that will champion you because they don't know any better. Afterall, action is too much work, it is much easier to have meetings about meetings and then have a meeting about those meetings. Ah, Ohio.
I leave you now with a couple who really didn't know any better: http://socialitelife.com/mt/archives/a_big_pink_example_of_bad_taste.php
posted by Miss Blistex at 1:14 PM
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