Miss Blistex

Oh, One Last Slap

2005-10-21T10:45:00.000-07:00

Oh you dear dear dear poor bored folk! Oh well since you insist, I will lay out one last Blistex post down since, as it happens, I had some very important face-time with Miss Jane at the Brain Gain event. Shall I tell you about it? Oh sugar plums of course this was too much of an event to not share!

Now while it had been some time since my last Brain Gain Drain appearance with my baby-daddy, we decided to go this time. Why? Honey, free newsroom tours! As cheesy as it may be, we got excited about this. Seeing the presses run and so forth, oh happy day! So when I later hear that the mayoral candidates will be showing up, I wasn’t a tad irritated. Alas, baby-daddy told me he just had a man-manicure and wanted to show it off. Oh, fine then.

Now it is interesting how you can judge people by their shoes and pants and be right. The usual pro crowd of course wearing nicely polished shoes, the slutty pro crowd in tall designer boots of the season, the dateless bloggers wearing beat up sneakers, and the last minute citizens in jeans trying to pretend they go to these things all the time. But suddenly I remembered why we stopped going to these things: the cheapest wine, beer in cans, and the stench of egg rolls! Crain Lake wine. Oh Christ well at least it wasn’t Charles Shaw! Generic Busch and other domestic swill in a cans?! At least give us a bottle of Heineken or something! So, everyone pigged out and sipped their swill and pigged out some more. Really, the free goods is the ONLY reason people show up. So anyway, while sitting through the ‘Believe in Cleveland’ commercials (that fact you must make commercials saying you don’t rot, makes it look like you rot even more) I’m standing next to Cathy P-girl from RRR as she gabba-gabba-hey’s with my little co-workers. Now mind you at first I truly thought she was Miss Jane’s assistant; the ratty hair, roots showing, sun scarred skin, awful manicure, you’d think living in Europe would have helped polish these things? I did like her suit though.

The girls were going over notes, massaging each other’s thighs, and about ready to make out. Cathy P-girl looks at me as my baby-daddy is introducing me to plain Miss Jane, and it was like BLAM, LOOK AT MY BLUE ASS FUCKING EYELINER, LOOK! BLUE! Oh sweeties, I almost had a heart attack, it was like a car crash where you can help but stare. So this is the woman so many men get freaky about? Scared of? Claimed she has too much power and so on? Are you kidding? There’s something called ‘presence’ and she don’t got it. She was an odd little creature to say the least – I felt I could easily snap her in two.

But the best part: Miss Jane hears all about me and us and how we aren’t from Cleveburgh and how we moved here thinking it’d be something neeto and so forth. She tells me how GLAD she is that people like me are moving to Cleveland from them-there-big-cities (oh you mean cities that actually have a decent pay scale?), how reaffirming it is for citizens and she hopes I stay. “Well” I said “I’m trying to leave, but there really isn’t anywhere left to go”.

Jaded and We Hate It

2005-10-19T12:15:00.000-07:00

Well now kids!

Unless you are a complete moron, most of you no doubt could guess by just reading a few of these things that Miss Blistex is not a real person, that this was a group effort of 3 or 4 people and basically done on a bet as something to waste away time with over the summer between Pacifico swigs. Well pudding, the summer has been long over and all parties involved agreed that, well, this is some dumb ass shit.

Like many, a few of us quickly realized that blogs are indeed just glorified gossip columns, online diaries of losers who just link to other news websites, and a bunch of whiney asses with no sense of humour and like to bitch. Does anyone really care ? Unfortunately people have too much free time at work so appearantly, yes, people will read just about anything. Even this piece of crap!

So in the end, experiment fulfilled, verdicts are in (being that bloggers are total nerds who get very touchy about WiFi), and we all decided we have much better things to do than rotate this thing while dumbasses get their panties in a bunch. Once one person began to slack it was clear this had lost the initial novelty. So we leave you with an archive as our legacy of....whatever it is.

The Three Jem Dolls

2005-10-18T12:37:00.000-07:00

Now that is scary!

I'm convinced that way too many celebrities and stylists grew up thinking that She-Ra and Jem and the Holograms dolls were appropriate for show business. Donatella looks more and more like an aging Pizzaz don't you think? Or a typical Russian call girl.

Beyonce can still be cute when she ditches the hooker-meets-The Supremes threads that her mom makes for her. But how long until she starts getting, older, crazier and hooked on eating her own hair extensions while injecting twice the recommended dose of botox into her cheeks and forehead?

This is kind of funny in a sad way:
http://news.bostonherald.com/localRegional/view.bg?articleid=107538
But not near as funny as the designer handbags.

Worst Styled Magazine Cover Ever

2005-10-16T09:02:00.000-07:00

This is possibly the worst cover photo for a fashion magazine I have ever seen in my life! Not to mention it is of Kate Hudson. I really want to know why Kate Hudson is on covers of fashion magazines so often -- who is her publicist anyways? All I know is this stylist needs to be fired.

The only good movie Kate was ever in was Almost Famous, and that was what 2001? Is being the daughter of a washed up actress and being married to a washed up rock singer that interesting? She really never had a career if you think about it.

Of course if you pick up this issue, you will see all the lovely photos of her and her child juxtaposed with close-up shots of her butt hanging out of her kimono robe. Her butt and her home decor are the main features. I didn't read the interview, because really sugar plum, what could she possibly have to say?

Anyways...

Here is an actual conversation I overheard at one of the more upscale grocery stores in the suburbs. It gave me a window into the mind of the typical young gal who lives in these places, has multi-colored highlights that are a tad obscene, and is probably one that has a habit of knocking over her Martnini glasses in public when she gets to have a night out with the girls at one of the many outdoor "Lifestyle Centers":

"Yeah so this spatula, it is non-stick too."
"Wow really?"
"Yeah, and it can be heated to over 600 degrees!"
"Oh my God, that's Awesome!"

Only in Bay Village kids, only in Bay Village.

Theory dictionary

2005-10-13T12:34:00.000-07:00

This is all just getting too stupid and predictable. But alas, some time now before we wind down (and I think some of you know what I'm talking about).

In Halloween news, my son and my baby-daddy asked what he should be for this year. What? You didn't know I have a son? Well most people don't so I'm not surprised. You see, baby-daddy and I adopted the little runt when he was a cutey pie; now unfortunately he has turned into a very unattractive little boy and we really don't like keeping pictures around or having our friends actually "see" him unless the daylight hours are winding down. So anyways, I told the little man he was to be a dinning room table this year -- as in he will be underneath it during our party. So now he gets to pick out the table cloth, motherhood can be such a joy in these moments don't you think?

As a jumping off point from yesterday I thought I would give some of you the handy dandy art theory dictionary as compiled by the editor and author of Most Art Sucks and Coagula. With so many grad students and so-called critics immersing themselves in post-post-post modern theory-ish type thingamagiggers, this can always be helpful for being able to tell who is a turd steak.

Post Structuralism: Language is everything but means nothing
Marxism: If you build a wall they will stay
Deconstruction: Pretentious description of the act of analyzing
Semiotics: Every picture tells a story
Derrida: A smart Frenchman who was a jerk
Foucalt: A smart Frenchman who didn't use a condom
Baudrillard: A smart Frenchman who likes Las Vegas
Lacan: A smart Frenchman who hates Freud
Formalism: A boring new innovation is better than an exciting rehash
Essentialism: The space between your legs is more important than the space between your ears
Psychology: If you caught your parents fucking, you're fucked
Modernism: History ended not with a bang, but with a white cube
Post-Modernism: Monocrome paintings are boring
Pop Art: Cartoons are never boring
Kitch: Not only are cartoons never boring, they're collectable!
Signifier: Adjective
Signified: Noun
Quality: Taste
Activism: Desire to relive the 60's
Nihilism: Desire to relive the 70's
Narcissism: The desire of the talentless to have the fact ignored
Romaticism: Trust the artist, not the bad painting they left behind
Elitism: Trust-fund kids are the best judges of what matters
Hickeyism: Overweight chain smokers are the best judges of beauty
Academicism: Tenured profs are the best judges of what you need to know
Multiculturalism: Gimme some of that wall space white boy!
Classicism: Give dead Greeks all of the shelf space
Spiritualism: Aesthetics without taste
Sublime: The term aetheists use to describe Spiritualism
Cronyism: When successful people hire complete losers
Late Capitalism: What the sore losers insist on labeling the current era

There's more, I would like to add to these as well. But suddenly I just don't give a darn crap and want a sandwich.

Mediocre Root Beer & Nacho Burp

2005-10-11T12:31:00.000-07:00

There was some discussion yesterday in my little clan of boozed up, K snorting (yes that was my solution for the liquid K), cheese eating business associates....and slutty friends who sometimes sit on their laps. How the internet and cheaper tech tools have given a stream of mediocre "talent" the resources to lay their creations on the public at large. I thought it was interesting to say the least. Here were three examples:

1.) In the good old days, if your band was good you got noticed and put out a record. You knew you were good because otherwise you wouldn't spend loads of dough on equipment and maybe some costly studio time. If you were bad, the band broke up or settled for the local dive to play once a year. Now every crap band out there can record on a dime, self release an album through something like CD Baby and get on streaming PodCasts and internet radio. The flimsey demo looking CDR with cheap packaging is something that is perfectly acceptable to sell in a store these days.

2.) In the good old days, if you were a good writer you wrote for magazines, were hired by a newspaper or got a book deal because your stuff stood out from all the other jerks. Now, everyone considers themself a "journalist" a "writer" and the quality of writing has gone downhill again due to, self-publishing, blogs, internet zines and so forth. Did your book get a bad review on a well known book site? Well what do you expect when the fiction editor is a snot nosed 20 year old who doesn't know who Gogol is?

3.) In the good old days, if you were a talented film maker and worked at it, you got your films in theaters, festivals or at least on PBS. Now, people can self-release DVDs and still somehow get distribution through outlets that cater to the low budget student, at-home Final Cut Pro editor (and other variations) or DV filmographer. While I do love some of the titles from Unit Shifter, I have come away from several documentaries feeling, "my 10 year old sister could have filmed that!"

While I know many people who do these things might be talented, you have to admit, there's a lower standard than there used to be in all areas mainly caused by the sheer volume -- not to mention a lot more crap you have to wade through to get to the good stuff. It makes me wonder, have standards been lowered? Do we embrace mediocrity more than before? Have people been programmed enough over the past 6-8 years that certain things are "good" when they in fact pale in comparison to past achievments? All I can say is that I have read a total of 2 Chick Lit books; the writing styles and reading experience was about the same level as something like The Baby Sitters Club -- only with you know, martinis, designer handbags and sluts who hunt for a husband non-stop.

But then again, what do I know? I have a blog for christ sakes! And see, I admit it is dumb!

"Blog" sounds pretty much like what it is, a nasty root beer and nacho burp. Or a reverse ass fart. It could go either way.

Halloween Costume Confirmed

2005-10-07T10:48:00.000-07:00

Check it out at Zero, thank you Juxtapoz and Liz McGrath for knowing a good thing.
I'm thinking just this T-Shirt will be my Halloween costume, seriously, I mean it is just so scary looking isn't it? If I were a child and saw that, I would totally scream and cry! Isn't this just a perfect horror film poster?

Fashion Fashion Fashion

2005-10-05T14:19:00.000-07:00

If you're like me and you constantly miss America's Next Top Model -- or you just don't feel like sitting thru 20 minutes of elimination footage -- check out weekly recaps from FourFour http://fourfour.typepad.com/fourfour/2005/09/ebony_eyes_dies.html I swear it is so spot on and awesome. So when is someone going to point out that all the panel judges are fucking circus freaks?

Speaking of fashion, two misteps spotted lately:
Girl walking around in broad daylight wearing pajama bottoms and fuzzy slippers with her Starbucks. Honey, put on some goddam clothes! How lazy do you really have to be?
And, a woman at my work wearing pleather spike heels with an S&M style buckle at the ankle. Honey, are you at the clubs right now? Are going hookin' later? Because unless you are, that shit don't mix with the whole business casual dress code. Not to mention they look like $9.99 stripper shoes you can buy at any urban street gear booth.

I'm not really going to go on about the whole Moss debacle, because sweeties, if you were that rich and hot wouldn't you be doing lines of coke offered to you? I mean really now, sure it is a shitty thing when the girl went and got knocked up and has a kid, but she isn't the first. How many of your parents still smoke pot to this today do you think? More than you realize. My only advice to the youth of today: Don't do drugs until you are 25 or older! Seriously, it is fun and happy times, but wait until you are established, settled, and maybe have some direction is life. Trust me it'll be worth the wait when you know you are mature enough to not go on a bender.

While I'm at it, I did run out of Xanax after a big party over the weekend (I had to give party favors didn't I?)but was fortunate enough to have some K leftover from a trip to India. I think I was supposed to inject it into my buttocks as relief for my back pain (those kooky Indian doctors and their quick fixes) I don't know what to do with an entire bottle of liquid K, but I'm sure I'll figure out something that will be fun.

Here's a blind item just for fun: Who in NEOhio has a sexy crush on Tim Russo? The answer won't surprise you at all.

-Ciao (was that prep school-ish enough?)

Cleveland Wants VooDoo Art

2005-10-03T13:47:00.000-07:00

"Hey New Orleans artists: Move to Cleveland! To address the dire needs of artists in New Orleans, a number of Cleveland-area arts organizations met to discuss combined strategies. The group has convened by the Community Partnership for Arts and Culture and Terry Stewart, executive director of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, himself a native of Mobile, AL. Ideas ranged from offering space, resources, exhibition opportunities, musical instruments, artists supplies and free tix, to actually offering housing and living support for displaced artists. If you have housing space to offer to relocated artists, drop us a line"

Ewwww, why on earth would Cleveland want crappy Southern voodoo art? Ugh, nevermind I know. Well I have to say that's mighty nice, but for a city that is supposedly so po', why on earth would I let some freeloading supposed artiste hang at my pad and mooch with that horrid accent? And what defines the artist anyways? I can make abstract expressionist scribbles as well as the next person, can I get some free gear? Sure I'd like to learn to play the bass, why not just give me one and I'll get back to you on how that's all going -- okay buh bye. I'm sure the Cleveland artists are just feeling great, "Yes you all are fine and dandy but we want some more deprived and 'exotic' artists so we can lure 60 Minutes here to do a story about what great sports we are". We can't accomodate jobs for our own residents, so why would we be putting up more people in need of them? The collector to artist ratio is a pretty small one even in a good economy regardless. Didn't a bunch of New Orleans residents say they DIDN'T want to come to Cleveland? I mean, especially with winter coming and all!

I love how citizens and city officials wonder what the hell is wrong with this city, and then they go and encourage freeloading with hand outs over and over again. Oh no don't tough it out and work for things, just apply for a grant. Christ. I think the Rock Hall president needs to give incentives reguarding his own organization. Rather than bribe artists from that crap ass city to come here and make it more crap ass why not bribe some musicians of merit to play at that ridiculous triangle that looks like the JFK Library; have the inductions here maybe; learn to put on a music conference the proper way. You know, get some talented people? They can do it in Minneapolis honey so it must not be all that hard.

As usual the solution is a round table of some sort I'm sure. Yeah, those have been moving things along just fab! But I think most people do understand and realize that Cleveland is provincial, corrupt, incredibly stupid, spineless, depressing, whiney and most of all fat. Jesse Ventura, we need you!

Gag, gag, gag. Since I'm in the process of saving for my move to New York (you know, where there are real men and women) I have to endure this election and all the gag spewing glory it will induce.

Let's see, supplies: Xanax, Tawny Port, Pasta, Pudding, Scotch Tape, Hairdryer, Nail File, Peanut Butter, Vodka, Apple Pucker, Socks. Yep, I'm all set.

Casting Call

2005-10-02T12:25:00.000-07:00

If you have children, are bored, want to get some skank tag because your wife is fat, or you're just plain old African American, you too can have Paris and Nicole at as your nanny for the new edition of The Simple Life:

"The concept for the new show has former best friends Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie — who are no longer speaking to each other — trying to be surrogate moms in strange households. A casting call has gone out to find families willing to be filmed, and a source familiar with the search says that the execs have declared: “The friskier the dad, the better.”
“They’re looking for dads who are likely to make a play for Paris or Nicole,” says a source. “They’re saying they’re willing to pay the families ‘a substantial’ amount of money for two days of shooting and that African-American families are a plus.” Why’s that? Says the source: “I think it’s just because they already have some white families and they want to be multicultural.” -- Defamer

I guess they really are running out of ideas. It is sad to me that this Paris girl has gripped America with such a stronghold of mediocrity for more than the usual two year span that the media will allow. Even Pete Doherty in the UK surely will be finished now. I've been following the antics of Paris and her sister since they were tweens drinking champagne thru a straw. I love scandalous bitches! But god damn, I am just ready for it to be over.

Headlines, Casinos and Loose Teeth

2005-09-27T12:47:00.000-07:00

Am I in an alternate universe? Where am I? What is going on? The past two days the headlines are just really scary. Maybe with all the hurricanes and stuff the world is coming to an end (finally, because I'm getting bored!)

1.Suge Knight wants to coach football?
2.Lizzie Grubman is going to do p.r. for the new Mercedes SUV?
3.Asheton and Demi got married (though it is rumoured to be a Punk'd stunt)
4.Donald Trump impregnated his georgeous but stupid, stupid wife?
5.They are remaking The Warriors but making it take place in Los Angeles?

6.Tom Cruise is now a lecturer on mental health?!

Continuing his vigorous advocacy for Scientology's solutions to mental health problems, Tom Cruise will deliver a series of four lectures on topics related to "The Modern Science of Mental Health" beginning next month. Co-sponsored by the Citizens Commission on Human Rights, the lectures will be held at Scientology's Celebrity Centre International in Los Angeles. All lectures will be free to the public. Due to limited seating at the Celebrity Centre, tickets will be available only to Scientology parishioners and selected members of the press, but the lectures will be simulcast on the web, and a live video feed will be available for broadcasters who wish to cover these highly informative presentations.

The first lecture, set for October 15, is titled "How Psychiatry Invented Schizophrenia, and What Scientologists Can Do About It".

The second lecture, tentatively scheduled for October 22, is on "Handling Sexual Dis-Orientation: Out of the Closet and Into the Auditing Room".

The topic of the third lecture, in early November, will be "Diagnosis and Treatment of So-Called Clinical Depression with the Hubbard Mark Super VII Quantum Electropsychometer".

The fourth lecture is "Neuroanatomical Changes Resulting from Chronic Methamphetamine Abuse: Can Narconon's Sauna and Niacin Treatment Program Help?" Transcripts of each lecture will be made available after the broadcast. Contact: Betram Fields Greenberg Glusker LLP Phone: 310.553.3610 Fax: 310.553.0687 info@ggfirm.com

Well, per my Mayor Jane Campbell news about how you can just call up and make an appointment to chat with her: recently there has been nothing but re-scheduling and cancellations and it is spreading like wildfire. I guess that "she's busy running the city" line is a favorite over there. How nice to call and cancel an appointment the day before a meet -- does she have to suck Don King's nutsack again? You know, this whole election I have no interest in. Really it is like Brewster's Million's -- you know the part when Richard Pryor runs for mayor -- just the whole mantra that every candidate sucks, makes promises they can't keep, are all corrupt in different ways so why not just vote for the regular doofus who is honest about it. We all suck, vote for me, you lose no matter what. I like that! Besides, you don't want someone like me voting in general so it is good that I have no interest.

As far as Casinos in Cleveland, well why not? Black jack, booze, shiney lights, valet service, hookers, all you can eat specials, drag queens, 24 hour porn on the hotel TVs, meaningless chapel marriages, lounge entertainment that is meant to be serious but comes off as camp and people attend it for the irony? Now that's my kind of place. Maybe if you make prostitiution legal, all those crack heads who suck dick for $3 over by St. Malachi Church will earn enough decent money to pump it back into the economy. You know by patronizing the liquor stores, Family Dollar, and baby stroller outlets. It is a start right? At least they'll be able to buy some milk with lots of vitamin D to help aid their teeth from falling out. There is nothing worse than paying for your father and brother to get a blow job from a crack whore and she spits a tooth out after zipping up. It kind of ruins the whole experience. I won't go near those St. Malachi women now; instead I head down the street to the Garage Bar where a couple of those bartends get a little freaky if you booze 'em up enough after closing. You can pretty much see their tits and vaginas hanging out anyways, so they don't mind a little GHB here and there in their tequila shots.

What? Is it so wrong I want my male guests who visit this city to have a good time?

Best Thing About Monday?

2005-09-25T18:45:00.000-07:00

Yummy Yummy Yummy

Prison Break is a tad ridiculous but GODDAM I'd like me some of that. I'm not a huge fan of the full sleeve and upper body tattoo, but honey that boy can pin me down in the cell any day. The only worries I would have are of him in old age with tattooed sagging man boobage. Speaking of saggy man boobs, cut tofu out of your diet and you won't grow any. Seriously, vegetarian men who eat too much tofu get man boobs -- it is a scientific fact!

I was going to rant and rave about the Duck Island residents of Cleveland who are opposing the proposed new public housing to be built in that area. How I'm sure a good 90% of those residents voted for Kerry, and how I hate limosine liberals. "Oh let's give money to a nonprofit that supports inner city youth in Santiago -- what poor black people moving into my neighborhhood! Not on my watch!" But dammit, I know public housing breeds criminals. A pal of mine w/ a two year old daughter was given her options at the welfare office and when public housing was one, she stated that she would rather live on the street. I would too. But at the same time I hate uber white liberals who pretend to care for the unfortunate and then mow down homeless people in their SUVs, or get scared when they see a black man who hasn't shaved in a few days. Whatever, I've had 3 shots of Sambuca already so pay no mind to my drunk ass.

Today was also going to be the start of my stories of how I used to have an interesting life before getting addicted to crystal meth, tequila and then moving to Cleveland. Glamorous eh? Well I'll have you know I was doing just fine until I moved into a bungalow that was just screaming "Life the life of Julia Phillips all over again sweetie!" I'll expose secrets, gossip, and slander another time when I'm not so blasted. Or how about I start you off with a short list of celebrity related crap:

-Stone Phillps was a good kisser until I saw his old man turkey neck peep out

-Everyone who works for Disney is gay

-The Hexan production team blew almost their entire sale of The Blair Witch Project to Artisan on coke

-Charlie Rose WILL corner you at a party and you WILL be overwhelmed by the booze stench

-Paul Simon is shorter than you think

-David Spade is taller than you think

-I once banged an Academy Award winning actor in his trailor, but sadly out of respect to him I cannot tell you who (shucks!)

-I peed in Morrisey's pool

-Bill Mahar prefers black hookers

-I bought a $1,200 camel hair jacket, and cut the sleeves off at a charity event afterparty because I got too hot. Goldie Hawn thought it looked better that way. Then again, she used to suck a lot of cock.

The Effects of WiFi on Population Growth

2005-09-22T12:33:00.000-07:00

I know everyone thinks WiFi is all keen and sassy, but I have my doubts on the long term effects it will cause mankind -- specifically that of procreation.

Let's see, how can I explain this in a way that is both crude and a good bullet point? Oh I know!

CHICKS DON'T LIKE TO FUCK LAPTOPPER DORKS

What? Miss Blistex what the hell are you ranting about now?
Baby-sweetness-honey, walking around--in public--with a laptop and tooling around on it is NOT a good way to get you laid. How many times have you seen a guy at the coffee shop clacking away and thought "wow I so want to hit that?" no no no. Honey, you could look like Cary Grant, but believe me the minute a woman sees you pulling out your laptop anywhere in public she's gonna think your momma done brought you up something wrong.

Why do people bring a laptop to a bar? A coffee shop? To the park? What is wrong with you that you need to sheild yourself from human interaction with a dang computer? These are public places meant for socializing and possible sexual escapades. If you need to work on your computer why don't you just do it at home, in the privacy of your own space? Why on earth are you going and spending $4 on a coffee or beer to tool around on your stupid laptop when you can do the same thing at home for free, and in your underwear! If you want to go sit on a park bench, or flirt with the barista, get some balls and just do it instead of jerking off to this damn machine everytime you get too scared to take action. Granted sometimes a laptop in a bar with WiFi is nice because it settles stupid bar arguments -- other than that it really looks stupid.

So you are out and about doing your groovy little thing when you see someone clacking away looking all intese at the screen. If anything, you come to the conclusions that this person
1. Is a socially retarded weirdo.
2. Is too consumed by work to relax let alone have time to date or hump.
3. A closet homosexual
4. Probably enjoys playing D&D still
5. Doesn't have any friends besides work collegues
6. Gets laid once every two years
7. Tools around with electronic equipment in their basement trying to make a robot
8. Has every episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 on tape and cataloged
9. Has a framed picture of a Unicorn with rainbows in their living room
10. Can only communicate effectively through email and IM and is therefore a useless sack of crap
11. Is one of those people that pretends to talk on the cell phone to look important
12. Is a shit demon who probably has a PodCast

In closing, WiFi will contribute more to this occurance of guys who might be okay but are basically shooting themselves in the foot when it comes to attracting women. See women, we don't have to worry about this stuff as much because we know men will fuck just about anything that moves. But guys, trust me you have a better chance scoring wearing a white shirt with a pack of cigarettes rolled up in the sleeve than you do going out in public with that carrying case.

Make an Appointment

2005-09-21T12:36:00.000-07:00

If you ever get bored -- like I do oh so often -- just call up the mayor's office and schedule an appointment. No really, Ms. Jane doesn't mind at all. My pal just got one for next week. Why? I'm not sure, but something about pitching Ms. Jane some ideas on bringing Hollywoodish companies to Cleveland. Well now you know Mayor Campbell will eat any sack of crap as long as it is entertainment related. My pal, she lived in L.A. for 20 years you know, so of course she has the bullshit talk down pat for situations like this. She came running to me laughing her ass off about it.
And I thought my coked up roomate meeting with the president of the Golden Globes was funny. "Oh I just asked for an appointment because I happen to be Greek as he is, and I felt maybe I could beg him for a job". Well she didn't get a job, but she did start going to church with his family every Sunday; you know, after all the lines of blow from the night before.

Anyways...so go ahead kids, you want some face time for this mayor up for relection? It ain't no thing but a chicken wing baby. I was thinking of asking for an appointment to show off some ideas for a Casino, much like when Mr. Burns built one in Springfield. Hey, I thought Britannia would have been a good theme!

Other than that, I got nothin'. I am however slowly discovering that my adolesence is WAY similar to that of Clare Boothe Luce. Except you know; I never was elected to Congress, married to the owner of Time, had several hit broadway plays, played diplomat to Italy and so forth. I suppose marrying rich your first time around would help a gal though now wouldn't it?

Chocolate Covered Ass Farts

2005-09-20T13:14:00.000-07:00

So a bunch of us gathered 'round for the Rebecca Ryan webcast via Cleveland.com yesterday afternoon along with some wine, some blow and some brie. Though she has perfected the scripted ass lick banter, we kept nodding off and getting confused by her "plugging in" statements. I think I can sum up these kinds of consultants in a very entertaining way:

Hi everybody, do you like my new haircut? Yes I went for the dot commer butch look. But of course you have to dye it red or some other off beat color to say to the world "I'm edgy, and I've got some really wild ideas man". Now I know everyone wishes they could have blinding white teeth like my horse mouth here, but I have a better way to get people to pay attention to you; start by swallowing every copy of Ad Busters and Fast Company circa 1999-2000, and let it digest for a while. Go out and get yourself a good striped shirt to wear to the office and to meetings. No, not any striped shirt, you want asymetrical man! It says to people that you are serious, business oriented, but that you are also a Gen Xer, a Democrat AND have possibly had a threesome more than once in life. Now, remember those magazine back issues you swallowed? Well all that is left for you to get a silver platter and steam that shit out like a chocolate thunderstorm! Ta-da! You now are ready to take your consultation fee. People at first might think your ideas are way too progressive; telling cities to use "buzz words" like al fresca instead of patio, or suggesting they use woodchips for bike paths instead of pavement. But don't let that deter you, eventually you will find a sucker within the city government that will champion you because they don't know any better. Afterall, action is too much work, it is much easier to have meetings about meetings and then have a meeting about those meetings. Ah, Ohio.

I leave you now with a couple who really didn't know any better: http://socialitelife.com/mt/archives/a_big_pink_example_of_bad_taste.php

I Love You Mr. Valentino

2005-09-19T12:31:00.000-07:00

September 18, 2005 New York Post -- THAT Valentino is a man of extravagant tastes is well documented, but the fashion designer shows his true style in a profile in The New Yorker. When writer Michael Specter asked the aging couturier if he would like to design Paris Hilton's wedding dress, he "shuddered" and replied, "No, I don't like her. She is marrying the son of a friend of mine. They have billions. She is vulgar, and she is not even pretty." After pausing for a moment to gather breath, Valentino concluded, "The Hiltons, they have nothing." Ouch.

City Club Suckers

2005-09-15T12:18:00.000-07:00

I wish Rebecca Ryan would gag on it, and I wish cities would stop paying money to get lame ideas out of her and her "focus groups". I guess there really is a sucker born every minute. Miss Ryan will be speaking at the City Club here in Cleveburgh, but I didn't really feel like paying $20 to witness it.
$250,000.00 was her fee if I'm not mistaken. And kids we've ALL seen the ideas she came up with for that amount for Akron. Let me just say that the CLEVELAND POLICY WATCHDOG 41 IDEAS TO DRIVE GROWTH FOR CLEVELAND REGION was way better -- and free I may add.

For $250,000.00 yes indeed, we could have just thrown that money at some entrepreneurs and had them do something with it. Or better yet how about a real music festival since this is supposed to be a city about Rock n' Roll. SXSW, Siren Festival, CMJ, Motor City Music Conference, Cochella, Midwestern Music Summit, NXNE, GramFest and even now the city of South Park Colorado has beaten Cleveland to hosting a real music conference and/or festival! I mean come on people, Cochella is in the middle of the fucking desert! Is it really that hard?

I don't know why Cleveburgh thinks this is an arts heavy town anyways though (not yet people!), it helps to have people who buy or collect art on a regular basis who spend X amount on art a year or to have out-of-town collectors who make this a destination due to reviews or features in art magazines. Not just have a bunch of gallery spaces that are treated as a hobby by the owners where they tack a bunch of crap on the wall in any fashion they see fit with works and blown glass pieces that do not have any relation. I've seen the prices most artists command in this town and I'm shocked. I really don't know how they survive if you factor in a gallery %, not to mention that galleries around here all ask for donations and charge for booze in the, "aw shucks we're just trying to keep the business going, won't you help?" song and dance I see all too often. If you run a gallery/venue or any enterprise it is considered by most of the world to be incredibly TACKY to not only talk about how you aren't doing so great, but to ask for donations on top of it. There were over 60 art openings in Los Angeles this past week, until you can get even close to matching that number I wouldn't be calling this an Arts town just yet.

I know everyone talks about what a great public speaker Miss Ryan is, and it gets everyone all excited and all. But this is way too much like a similar situation that happened years ago in a little known episode of The Simpsons:

Well, sir, there's nothing on earth
Like a genuine,
Bona fide,
Electrified,
Six-car
Monorail!
What'd I say? Monorail, Monorail, Monorail........

Morons.

So Long Pervert!

2005-09-14T12:13:00.000-07:00

I took matters into my own hands per the convicted sex offender living next door to me. After finding that he was convicted TWICE for raping a 3 year old and then a 6 year old you can just about assume I went ballistic and wanted to go shoot the guy.
I called my landlord asking how on earth could he let someone who under the definition of his release who is not curable and could strike again live in our nice little complex here. Let's just say he was pissed. Why? Because the fucker LIED on his lease application! Short of it is that he will be gone by tomorrow morning and admitted to lying. Shocker huh? You know instead of spending money on life terms and back-and-forth death row expenses, there is something to be said for the good ole fashioned Firing Squad.

Now the entertainment part:

So I promised a few of you some wonderful quotes from my grand dame of a mother. Well grand as she would like to be, it must be heredity because she always said of grandmama, "she's a legend in her own mind". My mother is a combination of Auntie Mame, Mrs. William Astor, and a typical Westpark bar hag. Like many a dame, she came from nothing, got lucky, and then became 'cultured' So here it goes:

"Of course Greece doesn't really have Greeks anymore, it's all Serbs these days"
"I'll get the Xanax"
"I love them as culture, I just don't like them as people"
"You can't leave for prom until I show you the proper way to eat an artichoke heart!"
"Darling this is a five star restaurant, you can order anything you want and they have to make it for you"
"You don't need a hospital, you just need more Xanax"
"Susan Sontag thought I was too girly-girl, but I think she has a pole in her ass"
"They are passionate like Italians, overly dramatic like the Serbs, throw in a chemical imbalance and you have the whole Baltic region right there!"
"Well there's The Ritz, and then The Plaza Athene if you want a somewhat good time. But why stop in Paris at all unless you plan on staying at those two?"
"Well that does it, Camille Paglia is erased from my Rolodex. I never thought she was so great anyhow. Only people with poor education think she's smart"
"Darling the party will be full of old playwrights, how can you say that doesn't sound fun?"
"Me stay at a Travelodge?! I'm offended you even entertained that thought!"
"After the Concord, Business Class just feels like coach all over again"
"I love that you have so many Latina friends, but as I've learned, don't piss them off. They call them fireballs for a reason"
"A country with a language that ugly is bound to produce another Adolf Hitler"
"Carole King told me I looked great for my age, I told her the same but I didn't mean it"
"In an expensive place like this the lights are always dim. You think these older women want people to see what they look like after plastic surgery?"
"Dian Von Furstenburg has to be the most vile and ugly creature I've ever seen. I do like her dresses though, they don't wrinkle in my luggage."
"I wasn't having lipo, I was having a very rare kind of dermabrasion done to my thighs"
"We are out of Xanax, I'll call grandmama and she if she has something similar"
"It doesn't matter that you are only 9. Do you want to be a real woman? Good, then drink the champaigne and like it!"

Ghetto Chic

2005-09-13T13:05:00.000-07:00

Yeah like you didn't see this coming: http://worldofwonder.net/archives/2005/Sep/12/louisiana_purchase.wow

Planning on Moving

2005-09-12T13:53:00.000-07:00

After furthur research I have found that I am fucking SURROUNDED BY PERVERTS! Convicted sex offenders on either side of me, and all up and down a nearby street. I know you are asking,

"But Miss Blistex, don't these people deserve to get a fresh start in life after serving their time?"

Uh, let's see....HELL NO! Are you trippin'? I hope they all get hit by a bus or shot, stabbed, castrated, eaten by a big ass dog, clobbered by a gang made of Amazonian warrior women. These are fucked up people who are just plain wrong wrong wrong. I found a women who lives in my mother's neighborhood, she went to prison for having sex with a 9 year old boy. Now granted that 9 year old probably thought it was fun and bragged to his friends even, but shit a 9 year old boy? Bitch what the hell is wrong with your sorry ass! At least wait for him to grow some goddam pubic hair!

So anyways...I'm trying to plan an exodus out of Cleveland but keep coming up with jack shit. My friends who moved here from Los Angeles and New York are all packing up possibly as well. Despite all the entrepreneurial rountables and such-and-such this town really does not embrace those ideas. I mean really, they embrace bullshit nonprofits but ignore what could really help the image of Cleveland. But there is no spirit here. Everyone is content to treat things like a hobby; or are apologetic "aw shucks" style; or are just not alive. My friend said, "I have never encountered the biggest lot of losers as I have in the city. No one tries, no one wants to be anything, and if they do they go somewhere else that will embrace them because this city is just not understanding or deserving". Hey can't argue with the man there. I was upset to find so many bands I like skip over this city, I mean that alone is a sign isn't it? A city that identifies itself with music and yet gets bypassed on a regular basis by large acts. A city this cheap should also be doing much better in the arts and economy overall. Though I guess pay rates haven't increased in Cleveland since the mid 1990's. So the solution? I'm doing some research into Philadelphia honey!

Other cities nixed from the list:
Miami: Gold toothed ghetto ass people wearing open shirts, and Jennifer Lopez.
Atlanta: Um, hello the south? I don't think so. Humidity is so not nice.
Boston: Expensive as hell, academics running wild, too many Irish people.
New York: Oh honey, dead dead dead. Noisey and crowded.
Detroit: What? Oh nevermind. That place looks like a war zone.
Chicago: Cold and surrounded by a ghetto.
Minneapolis: Too far north honey, I don't like being so close to Canada and they talk funny up there. Memphis: Ghetto Ghetto and more Ghetto.
Austin: Yuppified, and having to get snakes out of my pool in the summer doesn't sound fun.
Phoenix: Too many scorpions and not much of a nightlife.
Anywhere in New Mexico: Possible but not close enough to Europe or Japan for flight time.
Los Angeles: Wannabe actors pouring in by the minute? Don't forget mudslides & earthquakes.
San Francisco: Too expensive considering you are surrounded by hippies.
Portland: Rainy and not as cheap as you would think. Isolated too.
Seattle: Oh that is SO 1995, and let's all enter onto the freeway going 35mph why don't we? Idiots.

Ooh or I could move to Akron with all the bike paths and bike racks and other bike oriented ideas that Miss Ryan wants the city implement. Yes indeedy anything bike, trail or path related will bring the flock back in a pinch! http://www.rubberbuzz.com/2005/08/if-davie-g-can-do-it-so-can-i.html

Homos in the Herb Garden

2005-09-10T08:22:00.000-07:00

I am just reeling from so many things still!

-Nan Kempner dying (why oh why!?)
-The new issue of Vanity Fair with a horrendous Paris Hilton cover (sweetie we know you don't have tits, so just stop trying to squeeze them together to make cleavage).
-And the fact that there is a CONVICTED SEX OFFENDER living right next door to me!

I was going to post his info on this blog for all to see, but I don't want you all know where I live thank-you-very-much-but-no-thanks. I bet you who read this are a bunch of trick perverts anyhow! Seriously babies, I wish they would stop testing on animals, and start testing on prisoners who need their fucking ball sack snipped because they are sick-sick-sick. So, as if it isn't bad enough I live in the shifty gayborhood--I have this to deal with now.

Now don't get me wrong, I love most of my gayborhood friends, I just don't understand why the shifty ones need to hook-up in such disgusting places! From Cove down to the Lubrication Station (Edgewater Park to the rest of you) there are just way too many tricks happening in bushes, on front porches, in truck flat beds, in condo alleys and on picnic tables. Why can't you pervs just go do it in normal places like, oh I dunno, your apartment? The club bathroom or better yet the boiler room? I know, I know, many of these boys are in the closet and need to have some excitement dirty style while the wife thinks he is out smoking cigars with the boys. But babies please, get a Motel and STOP BUTT FUCKING IN MY HERB GARDEN!!! I swear do you know how many of my front yard hedges are trampled because of tricks walking around and hooking up with the cruisers that circle my block over and over? It freaks me out, and my whole yard is just ruined every weekend it seems. Really, how rude. Guess what babies EVERYONE is gay these days, so why don't you come out of the closet, light some candles, and get your freak on in a waterbed like the rest of us?

Nazi Princess Trashes Princess Di

2005-09-08T14:24:00.000-07:00

Her Royal Highness Princess Michael of Kent
(Marie-Christine Anne Agnes Hedwig Ida Windsor née von Reibnitz)

This begs the question. How old is too old to be calling yourself both and Princess and wearing a tiara in public? And for Christ Sake woman cover your boobage up!

I forget, but I believe HRH bla bla bla was born in 1945. Hmmm, yes dear I think it would be all right for you to wear the tiara in your bedroom dancing in front of a mirror pretending you have a kingdom with your stuffed animals...but honey, just dress your age please.

In case you didn't know, Princess Pushy has gotten herself into another shit storm:

September 8, 2005 -- PRINCESS Michael of Kent is suffering from another outbreak of foot-in-mouth disease. England's "Princess Pushy" is red-faced again after an undercover reporter quoted her insulting her fellow royals.
The 60-year-old aristocrat, who infamously blurted a racist remark at New York's Da Silvano last year, is now calling Princess Diana "bitter," "nasty" and "strange," and said Prince Charles never loved her, adding: "He married a womb."
Princess Michael, whose Austrian father was in Hitler's SS during World War II, also defended Prince Harry for wearing a Nazi swastika to a costume party a few years ago, saying that if he had worn another reviled symbol, the communist hammer-and-sickle, there would have much less fuss.
British tabloid News of the World sent a reporter posing as a wealthy sheik who was interested in buying Michael's English country estate to record her latest musings.
The sneaky scribe, Mazher Mahmood, has made a specialty of donning Arabic robes and conning gullible British blue-bloods, having previously extracted indiscretions from the Countess of Wessex and Carole Caplin, a close friend of Prime Minister Tony Blair.
Princess Michael, who is also known as "Pushy Galore," landed on the front page of The Post in May of 2004 when she told a table of high-powered African-American diners at Da Silvano to "go back to the colonies" when they refused to quiet down.
True to her foot-in-mouth form, the princess dug herself into a deeper hole when she subsequently gave an interview to British TV explaining the incident. After saying it was like "a knife in my heart" to be accused of racism, she claimed she once painted her face black as a disguise in a bid to experience life as an African woman — a claim met with groans by the diners she insulted.

Meanwhile, we hear Prince Charles is set for a little embarrassment himself. After he was spotted shaking the blood-stained hand of Zimbabwean dictator Robert Mugabe at the funeral of Pope John Paul II in Rome, a spokesman for Charles said he was "caught by surprise" by the handshake, and finds Mugabe's regime "abhorrent."
But British TV — and possibly a major American network — is reportedly set to air an interview with Mugabe in which he gushes about his supposed "friendship" with the prince. Stay tuned.

But you know, I think The Damned were on to something back in the early 80s when they said before "Ballroom Blitz" during a live show, "This song is for Princess Di, because she's a fucking slut!" It is true, the only real Royalty left in the world are the Scandinavians, the rest are all a bunch of sluts.

Teenagers

2005-09-07T12:55:00.000-07:00

So this got me thinking, http://fourfour.typepad.com/fourfour/2005/09/the_gerard_way.html
Because I did only see this video recently and I couldn't take me eyes off it. It was so melodramatic indeed that I wondered if the band was giggling in between takes and all the ballet and black eye liner applications. It reminds me of all those goth "street dark" kids in Lakewood who look like time stopped in 1989 -- only with baggy pants. Yes, I pick up Outburn or AP from time to time so I don't feel so out of touch. Oh but honey, I am. All the bands names today are just so depressing. Not to sound like a little old lassie, but why must all the bands names in these genres have "Blood" "Dead" "Bury" "Dying" or a day of the week or a girls name in the titles? That, and I discovered many a band name derived from classic American Literature such as The Scarlet Letter and As I Lay Dying.

Well yes children, I'm sure being a white suburban kid in the USA with all your i-pods and video games and streaming porn is very harsh. I mean, just thinking about it turns MY heart black! So much trauma to write about in these songs I'm sure. Something along the lines of, "There's a girl I like but I'm too afraid to talk to her, so I tell my parents I hate them, slam the door and jerk off to Pamela Anderson videos. Oh woe is me, cruel life, cruel cruel life".

But then again what do I know about being a teenager? I only have 3 memories from ages 13 to 17:
-Swallowing vodka
-Telling a 35 year old Belgian diplomat he sucked in bed
-Mother sending back the restaurant bread in the French section of Disney World because it wasn't really made by frenchmen and she could taste it.

Isolation is the Solution

2005-09-06T12:08:00.000-07:00

Mornin' Pretty! Well morning for me, afternoon for all you other ghouls out there. So, first thoughts of the day when I woke up were:

What does coffee taste like if you run Lemon flavored Propel Fitness Water through the machine? and for some reason an Agnes Skinner phrase rung through my head: "Kids are so fat these days! Isn't there some way we can make money off that?"

Hmmm, okay. I guess nobody ever said my screws were all there in the head. Is this a sign I'm supposed to start a business that exploits and makes money off fat children? Actually it does sound appealing in a sick way.
Anyways....
So I was a tad upset the past few days because all these silly little countries have been gloating, and yes I mean gloating, at our Katrina situation and all of course have to point out how Bush is dumb (despite getting better grades in college than Kerry or Gore I may add), slow to react, and how our image as a super power has fallen because suddenly we are weak. Well now, thanks for the condolences all you world journalists. Mind you all your countrymen will still flock to the USA long after you are dead, and by the way, you owe us a gazillion dollars in loans for all that "aid" we hand out. Now, seems to me of course that the real idiots are the Governor and Mayor (I mean have you seen or listened to this tard? Can you say crack smoke?). How many New Orleans cops quit or killed themselves now? I forget, but it really makes those NYC cops and firefighters look even more heroic doncha think? But really honey, did people get all caught up in the movie Deep Impact thinking that Morgan Freeman as president is in fact how to deal with such a large scale disaster? That anything could be run so smoothly and seamless and maybe some Spielberg or MTV fast edits in there. Would you really want Mrs. Clinton in charge of everything? I mean my God!

What's my point? Well here it is: When we don't act on international crisis all the world screams "help us America, save us!" when we do act, we are then labeled world police. This is why wise cracks and such from other countries bothers me so much. Gosh kids, remember the days after WW1, remember how grand it all was before the Crash, and how isolationist we were? Remember? Well it is high time we became isolationist again my brothers and sisters! Now if only we could just bail on everything going on so far. Believe me I think there is a vast Right Wing conspiracy AND a Libral Media Conspiracy. Tell the government to leave me alone with my guns, legalize drugs (because it isn't the government's job to make sure you don't do something stupid like O.D.), let us stop giving a crap what happens out there in the rest of the world, and just let us citizens be. Hence I refer you back to the Guns and Dope Party.....or you could just check out any number of Libertarian websites, they are there you know.

But, here is the latest quote from a dear friend visitng from Cambridge, MA after seeing a woman in full covered Burka dress walking down Clifton Ave: "I'm so fucking sick of multiculturalism, the moment Howard Dean bites the dust I'm moving to Vermont!" See? A couple pints of beer can bring out the racist in just about anyone, even if you live in the Republic of Cambridge and work for a Latino nonprofit organization.

Well that was Boring!

2005-09-04T11:46:00.000-07:00

Well I didn't get as hammered as I had hoped. So what's new? WELL....Ingenuity Fest seemed to be really lacking in 'technology' and more filled with outdoor music you'd hear at a New Jersey wedding reception, spray painted hoo-ha, freaks on stilts (wow is that what they taught you to do with a BFA?), kids and parents wandering and gawking at the freaks on stilts, groups of capri pant clad women saying, "$20? Um, yeah I think we'll just go to the free events" and of course people asking, "Where's the technology, wasn't there supposed to be displays or demos or something?" No sweeties, because if you wanted that you'd have to attend a real tech fest like Siggraph. But there were lots of neon lighted thingymajigs, lasers, glowsticks and people dressed as robots. They looked all tech'd doncha think? I mean looking all futuristic n' stuff with bright colors and flashing neon lights of a hologram here and there?

So while I wandered waiting for the House of Blues show to start (lots of arrests and even people being brough out of stretchers, how rock n' roll is that?!) I endured people shoving flyers at me, homeless men yelling at me, some really awful 'graffiti art', and the never ending Cleveland love affair with JAZZ FUSION or AFRO CUBAN JAZZ which makes me want to stab a screwdriver into people's throats. But the good side of it all? Ample metered parking at all times! By the time I left HOB before midnight the streets were pretty much dead. Wow I didn't see that coming. I know this was the first time putting this thing on, but Ann Arbor Art Fair is more rockin' baby. And that isn't saying too much. I know there are many who thought this was all dandy, acceptable and oh-la-la, but again this just confirms the city of Cleveland provincial attitude for setting on mediocrity because they just don't know anything else. Those of us who have lived or spent time in them there big city folk type places, and we've seen what these events should be.

Honestly I think the whole Public Square area would have been put to much better use had they just installed a beer garden. If you have the open container thing going, may as well class it up a bit and make it an outdoor hangout right? Granted I know that permits and blocking off streets (with no need to really) and fireworks all cost quite a bit of moola. But I wonder what $700,000 went to, since not one person involved or who performed that I know got paid. And no, free drink tickets isn't getting paid honey. Well here are some other thoughts on all that: http://nchermit.blogspot.com/2005/09/ingenious.html
http://www.erieeffusion.blogspot.com/

Time for a sandwich and a video. What Sundays were meant for.

Cleveland Puke-o-rama Festivus

2005-09-02T18:03:00.000-07:00

I drank 7 beers in 4 hours. It isn't much really if you consider they were domestics, but still when you haven't drank in a while it hits you like a brick. I was slurring and spittin' all over the place at Public Square today. If it were Disney World, I would have been removed and thrown into the underground jail for public intoxication. Darn it!

Anyways...just had another 3 beers from a mystery keg, get back to me after Tuesday when I come to - hopefully without puke on my clothes or in my new Jimmy Choo shoes.

I Miss Siggraph!

2005-08-30T13:47:00.000-07:00

I only just noticed that The Gund, Cleveland Foundation and George Castanza's non-profit The Human Fund, have all willingly thrown hundreds of thousands of dollars at this Ingenuity thang.

Now as much as I'd like to be hopeful, I don't know if venues are since they are planning to give away loads of wrist bands, but if you plan to throw money at an event wouldn't you want it to be something REALLY arts and technology oriented that could actually be beneficial on a national or even international scale? The first thing that comes to mind of course is Siggraph, now THAT would be money well spent. It's like a nerd convention where people get laid, drink too much, get high and drool over bitch'n SGI computer systems while maybe even taking some classes. Oh yeah, and they have art and interactive what-nots. Until something like that or even the dork fest of E3 comes around, what is the point. Well actually E3 was only really interesting because Gary Coleman was playing jump rope at the Underground Online booth. Anyways.... better yet, use that money to get the Rock Hall inductions here? Even better, create an incentive for teachers and schools to not suck such as buying them a Mustang or something, hell I don't know. Anything that doesn't use a robot in a tutu as it's logo.

Oh but those po' people in New Orleans. Siggraph 2000 was there and so was I. Oh, the fun had! Free goodies, kick ass systems, adorable men who love making out in public, and the parties -- oh kids! I don't really remember much about the city other than a few night spots, the place that lights your table cloth on fire when you order coffee and brandy, my hotel room, the hotel bar and the convention center...but I liked it just the same.

Things To Do On A Rainy Day

2005-08-30T12:18:00.000-07:00

Well hi pumpkins! You can join me in spirit while I:

-Go to El Tango Taqueria and ask the cowboy what the fuck Van Morrison albums he claims he played on...because I didn't find his name anywhere. Liar!
-Ask the owner of Titanic the restaurant how much a mail order bride is and play dress up with her. What? Didn't you know that's his day job and real source of income?
-Walk around the Cleveland Clinic and trip people at random.
-Rat out two of my co-workers who have sent out 40 resumes this week looking for another gig.
-Home manicure.

I am very excited about the My Scene Movie coming to video, hopefully I can rent it because $19.99 to buy a video at the toy store is a bit much. But I can't wait to see what 'hollywood' type advertures the Lindsey Lohan looking dolls have! Maybe I should submit a script huh?

I'll base it on all-too-real life to prepare the young minds of little girls everywhere:

3 girls, a whitey, a Serb and a tiny Latina in 9 inch heels. After getting smashed at The Mondrion Hotel on tequila with the owner, they meet some chemical engineers from Iran on work study through UCLA. After being taken to a 'party' in Bel Air the girls see that the mansion these boys claim to own is actually without furniture. Though the marble floors are good for doing lines of blow, the Serb and Latina gal head for the hot tub with some vodka while whitey has sex in the upstairs bathtub and then proceeds to vomit all over the floor. After being dropped back off at their friends' penthouse, they go shopping for La Perla underwear and hit the nearest In-and-Out burger while their coke dealing cash daddy basks in laying down the cash. Though cash daddy has cash, his credit card debt is out of control. So the girls decide to help by putting on a fashion show at the hip gay eatery in Hollywood to raise money for him. You know how it goes, everyone in town comes, great success, Flaunt Magazine gives them a stack of free magazines as usual and all the CAA employees are back in coked out bliss business because cash daddy can make the rounds more often. And the girls, oh honey, they ride off into the sunset in a stolen BMW swiging Chardonnay. The End.

Alf Made Me Smoke Crack!

2005-08-29T15:44:00.000-07:00

Is it him? Really? Oh how Fab is that!?

I don't know, he looks way happier this way doncha think?

And COME ON PEOPLE, do you really think all my gossipy bitch patrol and cheap shots spew from my head all on it's own? This is a group effort believe me! I just relay what others think and gossip and so forth on top of what I get irritated by. Because honey-sweetie-baby-child, if people Really said what they Really think about you or me or anyone: oh, the whole world would just be in a bowl full of bitch tears. I was going today reveal some scoops about a few sexual harrasment suits going to the plate, those people who let their baby fall out of a window in Tremontster, and someone who shouldn't be sleeping with a local newscaster unless those flare ups have calmed...oh but I may get 'sued 'so call my cell phone later. We'll talk we'll have fun.

Throbbing Coffee Boners

2005-08-29T13:16:00.000-07:00

I was looking forward to Ingenuity fest NOT sucking, until I saw there's something called the "Harmonica Blowout". Now that sounds kind of nasty don't it?

Anyways....

I'm going gaga again over this man. If you can't tell who it is, then you aren't someone I care to talk to anyways baby cakes. I was way more gaga over him until I found out he was all over BeBe Buell, groupie supreme, mother of Liv Tyler. Yucky scabies and crabs I'm sure! Still made some good early albums though, and his brother was totally hot too. Sigh.

Here's something from the Communist NEO blogger top dawg:

Coffee drinkers make better lovers
Posted on Sunday 28 August 2005
From Steve @ The Shape of Blogs to Come:
According to [last] Sunday’s Akron Beacon Journal, a Dunkin Donuts comissioned survey found that 66% of coffee drinkers have sex more than once a week, while only 58% of non-coffee drinkers get laid that often.
From a similar story in the Charlotte Observer:
[Coffee] hit Europe in the 1600s and, over the centuries, has faced opposition, with some claiming coffee made men overly randy, according to Bellissimo Coffee InfoGroup, a consulting company.
“There is this folklorish thing about espresso and sex,” said Bruce Milletto, Bellissimo’s president. “I have been to Italy 20 times and I don’t know an Italian who wouldn’t have an espresso at the end of a meal. It gives you a boost and you go home and something might happen.”

Someone should do some advertising: “Coffee: the other Viagra”…

Yes Mr. Nemeth, I'm sure all that coffee consumption has helped your pathetic ass when you go to coffee shops to scam free WiFi and troll for naked girls on MySpace. I'm sure your divorce was a result of too many raging throbbing coffee boners -- and not because you look like a fat Morrisey. Telling women you are behind "Steamed Shit Daily" probably just lands a guy pussy all the time don't it? Keep it going my man.

Crazy Annoying Old Coots

2005-08-25T12:18:00.000-07:00

Now as you probably would think, Miss Blistex was not designed to be a working gal. In fact, working just doesn't seem to agree especially if it means taking orders from...well..other people. Now a fancy title with no real obligations or duties? Fab honey, and I did that for a while though it was boring at times but it worked out great. But I prefer to just watch Oprah and drinks milkshakes all day and maybe shop while my stud brings home the paychecks and takes me to dinner. How fab would that be? Ah, remember the days when us women didn't have to work? Damn women's lib!

But today! Oh, today I was very close to bitch slapping a 78 year old man because I have never had someone be so rude in the workplace...ever! I have now had two encouters with this CEO where I was THIS close to getting up and walking out on my work. I don't like taking shit, shit for something insignificant. In fact I don't think I have ever been yelled at my a boss in my life, in fact, we always got along famously. But this man is another old coot, who can't control emotional or anger outbursts while in public. Hence why old coots should retire and make way for younger people who are relevant and somewhat stabel. He was livid about not having something stacked a certain way (there was no need for it to be a certain way, he just decided that he liked it this way visually -- as if I'm a fucking mind reader of his visual preferences), which in turn made me livid, but I as a good person smiled and took his flame throwing with the dignity any employee should in these situations rather than arguing and making a scene. I just wanted that OCD mother fucker to leave.

Why are there so many people who have chemical imbalances to the point where they can't control themselves in public? Why? It isn't that hard. It is called self control baby cakes, and even if you need medication for your crooked lightbulb, learn how to fucking behave in the workplace! Really, it just makes people look like children when they can't control obvious mood swings. Evil-Nice-Evil-Nice-Evil, fucking pick one already you nuts jobs! Manic Depressives and Bipolar people really should just be shot. How about instead of nicotine patches they start doling out Lithium patches?

Raver Beat Down boo-hoo

2005-08-23T16:07:00.000-07:00

So it is bad the Po'lice in Utah beat the crap out these people why? I mean come on, you know you are asking for it in Utah. Lovely beautiful state by the way. Love it!

See the details and conspiracy theories here: http://www.experimentalbehavior.com/board/viewtopic.php?t=4153

Yeah I'll show you a totalitarian government you whiney ass pussies who couldn't handle living without DSL and a cell phone let alone try living in a Communist system. I'd have like to seen these pussies stick in out more than 2 weeks in Poland in the early 70's.

What's New?

2005-08-22T13:22:00.000-07:00

Well nothing realy sweetie, but I thought I would post this horrendous photo of one of Cleveland's "It" couples around town according to this past week Cool Cleveland issue (which by the way they STILL won't take me off thier Fucking mailing list!)

So I guess with Carmella and over-the-hill Garcia gone, this is what is left to replace them? All I know is that she is below drinking age, he is over the hill, and he even left a wife and supposedly some kids for this creature as well. Ew!

The Plain Dealer gets a lot of mail from people wondering how come THEY don't their photo in the social calendar and Out and About sections? How come only good looking people who may even have "money" get to appear in the Sunday edition? Well simple babe, good looking people is what the public wants, not people like THIS. It is called a social calendar because, well it is mostly for "society". However you feel about society people, it is a much prettier sight don't you think? And thus exclusive. But of cousre the Plain D had to make a statement in the paper of how most of these events are free and open to the public. Great. More rag tag fugly ass people who don't belong. Sigh. Thank God I belong to a few private clubs.

In other news my flood gates have closed (thanks for asking); I've turned to Starbuck's coffee after years of protest and actually like it; have found a new appreciation for Riesling (I thought only trashy Russian girls drank that stuff); fall is coming which has been nice here in the humid days of summer and despite Pork Pie Pig Vomit being involved in Ingenuity Fest, there seems to be a few good groups getting involved who will indeed make it fun. Let's hope downtown parking won't be a total bitch.

The Blob

2005-08-18T16:34:00.000-07:00

No posting for a while sweeties.
Miss Blistex had the flood gates open today and it feels like The Blob crawled up in my uterus and sprayed diarrhea blasts.

There now, what I nice visual for you think about at dinner!

Cool Cleveland Projectile Vomit Splash

2005-08-17T12:12:00.000-07:00

I was going to make today all about my Giddy Delight at Madooner Madge's fall from a horse she shouldn't have been on in the first place (Idiot!). But today was the new installment of Cool Cleveland party photos in Gout Town!

Oh boy the they got to drink their beer from big kid sippy cups!
http://www.coolcleveland.com/index.php/Main/NightOutInLakewoodPhotos
And all the middle aged yuppie hags were out for a night of some serious cock hunting! Watch out soul-patch boys, these ladies get fiesty.

It also amazes me the "cover story" is an interview with a band that took place over 3 months ago (gosh now Capsule is going to be like the first Sex Pistols show where everyone claims they went), not to mention this is perhaps the smelliest looking couple to put a photo of on your site, let alone the front page. I wanted to puke but was too spooked at the sight of it all.

Ready for a Socialist Cleveland?

2005-08-16T12:35:00.000-07:00

What is the deal with Cleveland and having all these "Benefits" for sorry assed people who can't take on their own responsibilities? The newest one is there's a whole big benefit charging $20 admission and free goodies from Ohio City brewers and restaurants for the gal who was a victim of a hit-and-run with her child.

Now I think it is nice and all people are pitching in for, uh I guess, work missed or medical bills or something but: didn't she have insurance, doesn't she have family, doesn't the government assistant to a point with these things? You'd think so if she had a kid. And...it all seems really well organized for such short notice and all that fancy pants restaurants are involved. No one had a benefit for me when I went and had a stay in the hospital and lost work and paid over $7,000 in bills. Which my mother and I PAID OURSELVES by the way, no one else, on a payment plan with my doctors. Yeah they do that you know.

Sorry but this comes in a very long line of "benefits" that have going on for:
1.Pat's in the Flats for Pat to buy new monitors (hello isn't it HER problem to buy monitors? I don't see people holding benefits to stock more beer in The Beachland!)

2. A certain music group had a friend "Carl" who got cancer. "Yo our boy Carl got cancer and we are having a benefit for him to go to the hospital". Wow I'm sure a benefit at a music venue will help cover the cost of his parking at the hospital.

3. A former resident needed $ to complete her short film (yeah like we need more of those), and after not only a cash scholarship and benefit dinner she still decided to create a website which Cool Cleveland hosted basically begging for $8,000 to complete the film. By the way that bitch now lives in L.A., oh yeah I'm $8,000 short, think I'll go pester civilians in a city I don't even live in anymore for money. What's in it for them? Jack shit baby!

In case no one noticed, these are the signs of socialist mindsets. And socialists are one step away from Communists. I know if you read this, you know how I feel about Communists. But I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Office Max will be leaving this as the local of their HQ and I say fabulous baby! Sock it to those City Hall tax breakin', initiative puking jackasses. You can have all the art walks, luxury condos, outdoor Abercrombie and Fitch Malls, and economic development non-profit round table crackers you want. Guess what, you still don't get it.

Speaking of Commy-Com Bastards, this is the most popular Communist Blogger in North East Ohio

Slow Insanity

2005-08-15T12:41:00.000-07:00

Oh for the love of God would someone just give me an overpaying job or a winning lotto ticket! I can't do this anymore!!!

I used to be wealthy, used to have class, used to take trips on a whim to Europe whenever, and if was too cold jet down to Miami for a week. I'm a person that used to keep mink and possum coats in storage at Saks people! If my Ann Klein tuxedo wore out, I threw it out and got something new. I don't care what you so-called spiritually enlightened poor people say -- being middle class sucks!This is what happens when your parents and grandparents put dumb asses in charge of an inheritance and your guardian blows it all or doesn't make investments on it.

For the love of God someone get me out of this piece of fucking shit city and fly me over to Rome or London or even that goofy little place Paris. Noe I may start sounding a little like a spolied Hilton sister right here, but guess what honey? I have ONE set of 400 thread count sheets. Do you know what it is like sleeping on 600 tc sheets? Do you? Well if you did, you wouldn't go back. Little things like these make me slightly less punchy and murderous. I used to drink Champagne every day or wine. Not beer. And now I like beer! Look what this lifestyle has done to me! Now come on, I know how to cook and clean and I'm not a stupid person, I went to public schools (granted good ones) so I would have a normal outlook on life. But having servants to do these things just frees up so much time and you never have to worry about it again.

I think I'm going to go cry for a while and buy a bottle of really overpriced wine at an overpriced yuppie grocery store away from the riff raff.

Wednesday Court Day

2005-08-10T16:30:00.000-07:00

Not long ago I was asked to be part of some stupid reality show where someone actually wanted my job, I would coach them about doing something in my line of work, and then "hook them up" with a job in my line of work. Yeah right, who they hell did they think I was? Oprah? But this sounded like a job for Kimora Lee Simmons to do some bitch slapping. Can you believe she just signed a deal to write a Children's book AND a lifestyle book? She is so scandalous, I hate her and love her because she seriously just doesn't know any better.

In other news, it looked as though today was bring your family to your court hearing day. Everyone brought their baby's momma, their baby's momma cousin, their baby's daddy's daddy who left him at Family Dollar overnight but later found him again, his baby's momma's sister and her kids, their daddy's momma's cousins. Oh happy day! Which of course meant downtown Cleveland was full of jay walkin', double parkin' , gotta fit 7 kids in the Escalade jackassery. I'm sure after heading over to the car dealership to sign a lease they can't afford on another SUV, trash like this will head straight to Social Security, the unemployment office, and to T's Urban Gear over on 25th Street. Yes T's Urban Gear sells sneakers and baby strollers. I'm not joking, that is what they have in the window! So while your baby momma has the SUV to go clubbin', your feet will look stylin' while you push that stroller.

Pork Pie Pig Vomit Jr.

2005-08-07T13:40:00.000-07:00

Now, some people may think I am mean (oh no really!?) and making fun of children is cruel. Well...LIFE IS CRUEL, and taking shots at people big and small is my Job.

Cool Cleveland butt muncher Thomas Mulready has now put his little son Max on PodCast duty to let all the hip kids and families in Cleveland know what is going down. While many would call this child abuse, I also find the writing and chosen events to be very funny indeed. I don't know what you darn squirts do for fun these days but,

"EVERYBODY KNOWS THE DISNEY VERSION OF AIDA BY ELTON JOHN AND TIM RICE"

as the start of a sentence is a bit much don't you think?
Yeah at MY elementary school if you aren't up on the stuff you get beat up.

I will not link this piece of painful idiocy for your own fragile ears, but between sessions of playing Pokemon I imagine this conversation would happen after taking a listen:

-Are you going to Coventry, you know, Cleveland's most kid friendly street?
-It's going to be bitchn', all the popular kids are going to be doing oragami.
-Fuck yeah, my mom is dragging me to see a jazz fusion band too! Wait til I tell the guys at the treehouse about that!
-Wow that Max dude is so cool, you think he just writes this stuff himelf or does a little ad libbing?
-Well we did take that theater class where we play "Freeze" I'm sure it helped him in getting the job
-I wish my Dad had a PodCast.
-Me too, he's so lucky.
-Yeah my dad just has a mail order porn site he runs out of the garage, but how are kids supposed to know what glassblown art shows are coming up through that?

Livid!

2005-08-06T08:43:00.000-07:00

Madoona and Guy Richie live at ASHCOMBE, the Ashcombe!? The home of Cecil Beaton that he renovated and rented, a place even he couldn't afford but was given a sweet deal by the property owner to create the cottage into his little spot. Ashcombe is a sacred spot to me kiddies, I dined for lunch on the same property once many years go (again this was back when I used to be someone remember?) I remember my name card was at the head of the table for some god unknown reason and my mother jumped down my throat when I attempted to open a bottle of beer at the table. It was to be opened and poured for me of course, how silly of me.

Madonna needs to let this whole British society and proper Lady of the House thing go! Honey-sweetie-baby-cakes: Proper ladies don't go getting knocked up by personal trainers. Nor do they marry untalented directors. In the pictures in Vogue she is actually feeding the goddam chickens in a cardigan! I hope your adopted half-greaseball-trainer daughter spits Earl Grey in your face Guy Richie! And Madoona, you knew who you were when you were young (hello Borderline?) I have a feeling this constant reinvention over the past few decades is because you have no personality, not a publicity stunt.

Shifty McShifter in Gout Town

2005-08-05T13:55:00.000-07:00

Drove by the former Capsule Cybar last night in Gout Town (aka Lakewood Ohio) and saw it was partly boarded up with a few city notcies on the windows. Rumour has it that a fire was set in either the kitchen or downstiars bathroom (no confirmation really), but ineed it all looks rather shifty.

The entire Madison Village area has been dying, between all those stores going out of business, some guy bought Capsule intending to make it into an Irish Pub (right next door to an Irish Pub mind you!). Now , while Capsule was a cool hang for many years it clearly was having trouble and no drug dealer owners to keep it up and running. So Mr. Nugent, or 'The Nuge' as some called him bought it, sold the furniture, put up some Guiness signs, put Journey into the Jukebox, and started selling Washington Apple Bombs for $2.75 while re-naming this holy place Nugent's Tabhairne. I guess that's hick Gaelic for pub.

While the ads in local papers have been getting smaller, and in the end non-existent, people I think were getting suspicious he couldn't keep it going. The Capsule signs are still there to this day, the futuristic walls and couches etc. Nobody ever said the Irish we smart business people. Can you say insurance fraud?

The first line in the Paul Newman film The Long Hot Summer is "Barn Burner!" because he gets accused of being a serial barn burner in the county.

I can now say "Tabhairne Burner!"

Vanity Fair HATES Scarlett Johanssen

2005-08-03T15:01:00.000-07:00

Have you ever seen something so horrid? And those aren't even the intro page! My god, out of probably 50 roles of film I find it hard that this otherwise cute girl can't look better than this. And what is up with that eyebrow makeup they caked on? These web photos don't even begin to show how unattractive these are in real life. I'd cry if I were her.

Now granted nothing can beat "Pork Pie Pig Vomit" aka "Cool Butt Munch" aka Mulreeedy.

If you want to see the ugliest bunch of "Partyers" in Cleveland check it:http://www.coolcleveland.com/index.php/Main/NightOutAtBlossomPhotos god does Pork Pie Pig Vomit get fatter in every shot? There is the one woman with cleavage (there are about 7 photos of her), obviously she was the only person at this happening that didn't cause the camera to break.

But then at last in my Vanity Fair issue came Tamara Mellon

I mean how can you not dig her? Sure she's rich and designs shoes and has it all, uses a $1,000 Japanese hair straightening treatment, oh and is English, but we still love her. I had no idea Jimmy Choo never really did jack shit and Tamara's father bought him out. I guess it was Jimmy's daughter and Tamara that did all the designing etc. Of course any venture would grow if your daddy gave you 2 million or more to invest in it!

But I had no idea that her husband the Mellon Scion of the family was such a big crackhead and asshole. Crack and coke, and all that fun stuff. Well if you has 13 trusts what would you do? Can't say I wouldn't charter a Gulfstream to go to Ibiza and smoke a butt load of crack and dance at some clubs. But again, the little asswipe had no talent, no job and followed Tamara around like a lost pup. Sure then HE started designing shoes (oh honey) and is now suing Tamara saying the Jimmy Choo empire was built on his Mellon name!

Lesson to you girls: Make sure your man has a job and at least some talent or mission in life. Because the old saying is true, a man is nothing without his work, and when he outlives his use somebody better tell him so.

The Human Fund???

2005-07-28T15:21:00.000-07:00

Remember the episode of Seinfeld where George goes around at his work telling people he has made a donation in their name to The Human Fund as a gift? Remember? Ahahaha!!! The Human Fund, I mean how funny is that right? That Homer Simpson -- what will he think of next?

Well GUESS WHAT! In Cleveland where nonprofits pop up and crap out dollars like a Rhino with the stomach flu THE HUMAN FUND has now become real!

Okay so, don't kids get art and music classes as a general rule in schools? I mean, I remember art class and playing violin. So why does this thing exist? I don't get it. Is it so this Andrew Rayburn guy could give jobs to all his friends who got degrees in "nonprofit" and they realized they just wasted their time and can't get real jobs? Oh well, I guess this means they can get money from donors to shit it out on throwing bashes at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (it ain't cheap baby). Really people, how expensive is it to buy a kid a fucking watercolor set? You have to have an organization with board members to do that? Um....okay then.

Gearing Up for Getting Smashed

2005-07-28T14:56:00.000-07:00

I was saddened to find the link for "HarvardSucks.Com" was dead. Because really people it does. You know, the hardest part is getting in. I recommend if you plan to attend, make sure it is either for business or law and Nothing else! After a department party one day in one of the grand ole buildings , my friend looks at a portrait of Teddy Roosevelt,

"That's the only good thing that this overpriced usless institution ever produced"

Really Harvard is more a great place to be employed rather than actually being a student. I could list all the perks professors get as a result of that hefty tution, but it would just make you kids oh-so mad. Sure the people are smart to an extent but oh-so mousey looking! Ambush Makeover just needs to hang out in Harvard Square for a day and they'd have 3 seasons worth of material.

Today I'm excited I get to go on a real bender for a few days, I haven't in a while and I'm quite excited at the propect of constant urination and bloating! My favorite Magazine always has such good advice and stories on the subject. I've put on some weight in the last few months, but decided not to care for a while. I was going to shake things up and go for the booze this weekend, but I always forget I'm not as young as I used to be -- beer it will be. Why, when I was 20 I drank a Swedish guy under the table with my vodka handling. No joke! In fact I could do it almost all the time since I practically had it for lunch everyday. But sweetie pie, I don't know how Elizabeth Taylor and Ava Gardner ever could keep it up well into their 40's! Gin is just so vulgar, but today with all these designer vodka brands it makes me wonder if I should go back to scotch. What is with all these "bombs" and flavored vodka mixed shots? Jager Bombs, Purple Nerples, Washington Apples, Lemon Drops, Cherry Bombs? There are only two drinking related bombs I know of : Irish Car Bombs and the chocolate thunderstorm bomb you take the next morning.

Butt Munchers on the Pulse

2005-07-27T08:53:00.000-07:00

Again Cool Cleveland gets the story last and does some real investigating. Not only did these businesses close months ago (even years ago), but the link goes directly to a message board topic that died weeks ago.

"Madison Village turning? Lakewood's Madison Village is one of the area's most avant-garde retail districts. Started by entrepreneur and property owner Chris Andrews, whose store Chris' Warped Records, featuring hardcore and metal, was the first and flagship, the neighborhood grew to attract record shops, clubs and boutiques where you can buy rubber underwear. But within the past year, B-ware Video, which specialized in horror and "B" movies, and Capsule, the red-hot nightclub that Andrews started, have both closed. Now comes word that Warped Records itself has met its demise. Some blame Andrews' leaving town last year, others cite the success of Irish pubs in the district and claim gentrification. The city can certainly do more to support and promote this alternative district that attracts shoppers, diners and residents. More discussion on the Experimental Behavior blog here. "

This goes back to the Lakewood-Hip-Neighborhood quote from earlier. Let's acknowledge it is dying right before the Night Out Party. That and the Cleveland Public Library Receives Special Mention headline. I feel asleep just reading that. Jeebus! How long to do think it will take them to run the story about Moda Nightclub getting raided and being shut down for gambling, money laundering and underage whoo-ha? Please! If you couldn't tell that place was a front for something years ago, then you are just as blind as my nuts are long. Who wants to go with me an steal the statues out front? They would look great in my hallway entrance!

But the real gossip about town is how most participants in the Ingenuity Festival, that the Cool Butt Munch has initiated, they were actually in no uncertain terms begged to participate. After talking with a few organizers and musicians they all stated that they were not fans of the Butt Munch Mulready and that they were almost bullied into this thing. Now, exposure of any kind is exposure so I don't blame them. But having an arts festival and involving House of Blues is so wrong on so many levels. Not only have they stolen acts from those like The Beachland Ballroom and The Grog Shop, but it is viewed with much disdain by the art community as a whole. Though I know his partner James Levine has cash of his own, I wonder how much money the local foundations have dumped into this thing. Let's just hope we don't hear any more stories of bands not getting paid or artists feeling ripped-off and so forth.

Gout Town & Slutty Goth Teens

2005-07-26T14:49:00.000-07:00

Cool Cleveland still being ever so cool. I know this was from last week but I just discovered it after getting the stupid thing in my Yahoo mailbox (do they just track down any yahoo profile that says Cleveland as a residence even if they didn't sign up?)

" Feel the pleasure and party all night Cool Cleveland style with great music, great friends and complimentary beer, wine and appetizers in Lakewood at the Remix Lounge in one of Cleveland's hottest neighborhoods "

Gout Town is hot? When did this happen? All I know is I can never make a left or right turn because there is always someone limping across the street. Lakewood may have some cute houses inhabited by people who can't read, but every storefront that isn't empty is either a bar or a funeral home. I know people who even go out of their way to drive around Lakewood to get from Cleveland to Rocky River. And that tax %, oh and the cops, and pot holes, and the teenagers who look like they stepped out of 1994?

Look she's totally stuck in 1994, and a teen whore because she's getting birth control before she gets it on in The Chamber, or wherever it is those depressed suburban goth girls get knocked up and squirted on. Wow see, this is from the Lakewood Hospital website even! They totally must have a line of fishnet wearing gals in the clininc itching their pubes.

NEO Show

2005-07-24T17:44:00.000-07:00

I FEEL SO COLD AND EMPTY INSIDE. Yeah that's the name of this piece of crap-o-rama. Almost makes me wonder if this asswipe ever listended to King Missle's song "I am a sensitive artist".

The NEO show at the Cleveland Museum of Art makes me want my time back (since it was free entry Thank God).

If you think this is a big ole piece of post post-modern crap, you should have seen the video that won best in show. I mean I know video art is all hot right now (look at all the stuff that won Golden Lion this year) but there is such a thing as being a little too fuck-headed. Oh a boy wearing lipstick and screaming in a performative nature. It was a movie baby, it was called Hedwig and the Angry Inch.

The most common remarks throughout the show by other patrons?

"Whatever"
"Christ sakes"
"You have to be Fucking kidding me"
"What the hell is that supposed to be?"
"Is this part of the museum construction?"
"Is that a midget poop shoot?"
"They realized the entry deadline was the next day"
"Ew"
"That is pretty lame"

Oh I could go on and on. But what do you expect from a bunch of people who live in North East Ohio? And if you think this was bad, I'm sure whatever the other 1500 rejected were worse. Or maybe not, who's to say? I mean have you ever really seen the museum staff? Have you ever met them or seen them milling about like little clackers? Now that I say "Christ" to. None of them own even a proper pair of shoes; most art history majors or non-profit hags don't, so why would I expect them to be a good jury. I mean if you can't even pick a proper hairdresser how can anyone expect you to put together a good exhibition?

Movie Extra Losers

2005-07-23T05:39:00.000-07:00

The Plain Dealer of Cleveland considers this news?

" One former Clevelander and one soon-to-be Clevelander suffered mud, cold and rain for the dubious glory of being extras in summer blockbuster movies. "

Love how not only are neither current residents, but being an extra is not news. If they really wanted a story they should have come to me. Because baby I worked as an extra a very short time (it is not fun, it is boring for the most part unless you get period costume!), honey child I have seen some SHIT. You want to know about the sex, drug use, and wardrobe bitches? No I guess the Plain Dealer doesn't.

Really the most untalented person besides most all wardrobe staff, was Sally Fields as a director. Honey it was evil, everyone snickering behind her back, copies of the script in hand making fun of how bad the whole thing was, and on her birthday too. But really all she ever did on that film was yell "cut" while the assistant director did everything that required actuall work. I wasn't an extra on this day, I was actually part of the crew, and remember that little girl who was in all the Pepsi commercials? I had to wipe mother fucking orange juice off her that she spilled and she almost wet herself too -- she was a total little bitch. She also pretended to be coy and younger than her real age in front of people so she could ham it up on the cuteness factor. But she wasn't cute, she looked as though she had downs syndrome to me. P.S. all actresses are way too short in real life. I guess short people want attention so it makes sense. I had a good experience only when the people were cool, giving me alcohol from a flask, or on any Lifetime Channel shoot (they always loved my outfits and let me wear my own clothes in scenes).

A far as "professional extras" as in union people: I hope you all get a life. Extra work was meant as a way to break into acting back during the studio system days. You clock in, and even if they don't use you for a chorus girl scene, you still get a weekly check. Today you sign up with an agency, and basically check their schedule by phone or they call if a project wants your type. Most of these shoots last 12 hours or more; you spend most of that time smoking pot in someone's car, snorting coke in the bathroom, or having sex in a trailor with the musician who's video shoot this is for. It is not a real job. So many of these "actors" who tell me how this is what they did for a living, this was their "livelyhood". Oh for fuck sake babies, you must have no job skills if you have the time to do extra work on a regular basis. It isn't acting, it is taking direction and getting bossed around. If you look at most cattle calls in the arly morning for these films, all the extras look like either hicks or just scary transients. They have no taste, no sense of presence, and no sense of anything really. You don't get told you are doing a prom scene in 2000 and then show up wearing a cheap 1986 prom dress with gold lame and puffy sleeves you got the day before at a thrift store sweeties. No! But what am I worrying about? CGI graphics will make this part of the industry obsolete in another 3 years I'm sure!

The Hilton Clan

2005-07-22T19:01:00.000-07:00

A little history I just learned about the Hilton Patriarch who bought the Union Hotel in the late 1800's before developing the hotel chain. Yes indeed Judge Henry Hilton my friends, was also the instigator and head of The Society for the Supression of Jews. Damn baby, you think racial profiling by the US Government is bad, this was a pretty popular movement and wasn't considered at all radical and was embraced by most of the upper classes. The best of New England society indeed. The mantra was something along the lines of boycotting Jewish businesses, books, art, political candidates and actors or plays.

On another note, I did afterall watch one more episode of I Want To Be A Hilton, and to my relief those two psycho annoying bitches got kicked off the show. Crazy asian beauty queen who wouldn't stop singing, and the crazy cockney Las Vegas show girl social climber who wouldn't stop doing ballet. "Everyone is just jealous because of my clothes are better, Kathy, they just don't think I take this show seriously because they think I'm already in a position like yours". Yeah bitch, whatever, I hope you get a smelly ballet slipper in the teeth.

Does anyone know if it is true Paris and Paris broke up? Not that it would be a shock. I was more shocked about her having the audacity to beg Prince Charles to let them use Westminster Abbey for the wedding. "I'm practically American royalty" oh honey, you are scandalous and I love you but just stop talking. Just stop. Even those like Elizabeth Taylor and Doris Duke had dignity and class to a point when their public mishaps got out of control.

From hot to not

2005-07-20T11:02:00.000-07:00

Okay I'm sure all of you of a certain age saw

The Never Ending Story.

Remember that kid who played Atreyu? Remember how hot he was? Oh come on, even if you were a giddy little 7 year old girl you knew he was hot, don't deny it! He was gorgeous AND he rode a white horse! Okay well the horse died in a really drawn out scene that traumatized many a young persons -- he had a white Luck Dragon though!

Anyways, yes you too can go from a totally smoking hot pre-teen to a metrosexual looking hack! Dear Lordy Lodry he looks like Jack McFarlene from Will and Grace. Damn that's gotta hurt.

The Church of John Travolta

2005-07-14T13:39:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time I used to live in a city full of actors and crazy dipshits. For a while I was getting the offical Scientology Magazine in my box because the previous tenant was a subscriber. It always seemed to have a picture of a TV screenwriter on the cover e.i. Without A Trace, The West Wing, CSI writers (now think about that for a moment!). I also didn't understand a Goddam word of anything it said. It was crazy, "First I was a P2 and then when my auditing got better I could converge into a P3 no problem". Huh bitch?

Well, as it turned out a friend explained that really the teaching of auditing was the teaching of conversation manipulation. I also took one of their IQ tests at a center, but near finishing they started hovering on me to a point where I figured I better scat. Those uniforms they wear are so Soviet too. Well, they look like Soviet traffic cops really. I've also heard from my parents that back in the day, if you tried to leave the order, they would put a Cobra in your mailbox. Fuck! Watch out Katie! I always thought Scientology was very much based on the power of the mind, intelligence and more humanist points of views. Only a few years ago did I find out about that whole alien crap. I believe in aliens of course to a point. But let's face it, L. Ron Hubbard was a glorified cult leader, I refuse to believe anything a mortal man tells me about religion or aliens for that matter.

Anyways if you haven't seen the newest cartoon explaining Scientology, I laughed my ass off www.liquidgeneration.com

Akron image update

2005-07-09T22:45:00.000-07:00

This is Frickn' Fabulous!

Minister of Culture" Inflating Akron's hipper image calls for professional hot air "
Friday, July 08, 2005
Michael Heaton Plain Dealer Columnist

Writing this column has alwaysfired my passion for service to others. So when I read last week that the city of Akron had paid a consultant to give the city a hipper image, one that would draw throngs of young people to live and work in the Rubber City, I took it as a cry for help. And one, I think, I am more than qualified to answer. After all, my work in developing the Flats, getting the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum to locate here and conducting the Cleveland Orchestra to rave reviews (the only year they ever played "Smoke on the Water") speaks for itself.

Back in 1973, the Rolling Stones played the Akron Rubber Bowl. Mick Jagger came onstage looking slightly dazed. He asked the crowd where he was. He squinted and looked at the sign above the stadium. "Ak-kron," he uttered, suggesting that the strange name gave him no better idea where he was than if the place had been called Bing-Bong, Ding-Dong or Cock-a-Doodle-Doo. So I think we can start right there with a little name tuneup.You could always reverse the letters and come up with Norka. But that just reminds everyone now of the famous futon factory. Actually, Futon is not a bad name. All hip young people own futons.

But I have another idea. Beyond the production of tires, what is Akron really known for? Punk rock. Am I right? So Akron's new name becomes Punk Rock City, U.S.A. Can you dig it? It's cool, isn't it? Then you bring in hometown sweetheart Chrissie Hynde of the Pretenders and make her mayor. I think even current Mayor Don Plusquellic would step down when he sees the wisdom of this move. She is one tough chick who takes no guff.Next, if you want to attract young people, you have to introduce progressive new laws that would really offer benefits that young and cool people couldn't find elsewhere. You legalize gay marriage and marijuana for starters. Free parking - everywhere - for an other. You subsidize a recording studio, a huge one that encourages bands to re cord for free, with a percentage of record sales going back to the city.You re-create the city vibe that fos tered such great bands as the aforemen tioned Pretenders, Devo, the Rubber City Rebels, Tin Huey, the Waitresses, the Dead Boys and the Numbers Band.

You have to have places for all these incoming hip young people to live. So you have to take all those empty buildings downtown and turn them into cheap loft spaces. No rent over $300 a month! And provide free bus service within the city. You have to develop an inner-city space no one will need to or want to leave.

Then there's the beautiful Firestone Country Club. What a gorgeous piece of property. Annex it. Or simply take it by force, if necessary. It will become a space for outdoor concerts and campgrounds for traveling hippies. It will be the site of the next big three-day annual rock concert, like Bonnaroo in Tennessee. This will be called Punkaroo. People will flock from all corners of the world to attend.

Now I have noticed that Akron - excuse me, Punk Rock City, or PRC-USA, as it will soon be affectionately called - has no Minister of Culture. They had Chuck Klosterman for a while, but then he got all big-britches book writer and abandoned the town for New York.My work here in Cleveland keeps me pretty busy. But I think I could squeeze you Akron guys in on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I have some investment opportunities involving rare coin collections I think you might find quite promising. Don't thank me. As I said, it's a life of service.

To reach this Plain Dealer columnist:mheaton@plaind.com

Blainey and Akron what a shame.

2005-07-08T10:15:00.000-07:00

Mrs. Blaine Trump is getting a divorce from The Donald's brother Robert. It turns out he has a fancy for a young sales associate he hired four years ago at his company. Ah, the cycle of socialite divorces continues. I can't say I'm shocked really. Marry the man, spend the man's money, get on the board for some charitable organizations where you can throw on a ball gown, and have lunch with other socialite friends. But I always thought that in that lifestyle a mistress was a given? What a jackass.

Speaking of jackasses, can you believe Akron was desperate enough to spend money hiring this.....http://www.cleveland.com/business/plaindealer/index.ssf?/base/business/1120297093121681.xml&coll=2

You'd think city officials and urban planners would have figured out all of this. The point is that you do need JOBS (I mean real jobs honey), not just a fucking coffee house! You can make an area as cute as can be, but baby cakes if no one has the money to spend...duh. But alas NEOhio believe the more arts centers you have the better. Sorry babies, but having 5 or more arts centers that are non-profits or performance spaces doesn't make you look cultured unless you have the crowd to fill them. It just makes you look stupid. But then again, Cleveland is the non-profit capitol of scam artistry. Your taxes - and if you are stupid enough your contributions - really go to funding places like Spaces. Where frumpy gals who majored in "Non-Profit" as a degree, sit and eat cheetos and put together press kits for art shows of fucking enamel drips or yarn tacked to a wall. Not only are they incompetant for the most part, but they always seem to be getting knocked up or just talk about their ugly kids all day.

Why can't I just have my own private island with a dance club, full bar, private spa, private zoo, and a padded sex room? Is that so much to ask for really?

NAN!

2005-07-06T12:35:00.000-07:00

Oh my God. Omigod Omigod, Omigod!
I mean I knew she was sick and getting on in age, but still....Uh. I'm too upset to write now. RIP Mrs. Nan Kempner, you were so fun.

Ass-tastic!

2005-07-05T14:41:00.000-07:00

Have you ever actually looked at these photos?http://www.coolcleveland.com/index.php/Main/NightOutInTheHeightsPhotos
And what is going on with the shots of asses?! I'd be so pissed if that was me! Well, I'd be pissed if anyone caught photographic evidence of me being at one of these things let alone just my ass! I admit attending one: it was at the Colonial Arcade where someone had the bright idea to have lots of greasy chicken being cooked as appetizers. Well, that smell just wafted through the place like stink on a monkey, baby-cakes! No trash cans in sight either; so people and their nasty-ass chicken bones were tossed on the floor, tables, bathroom counters, you name it. And, you know wine is cheap when you can smell the fermentation from 20 feet away. I couldn't stand the smell, not to mention people just acting like flat-out fucking pigs in public. That's right, fucking pigs.

Now, there are some fashion do's and, "alright's", but really now. Do these people even read fashion magazines, or even watch TV? You'd think with all of these make-over shows the people of Cleveland would get with it a bit and take a look at their own reflection. I mean, I've seen some stylin' people around, so maybe these are all people who pour in from the suburbs who attend these Night Out doozies? Oh, of course! It has to be.

Hey Pork Pie: lose the soul patch.

Now, THIS is a fashion, arts, happenings free magazine for a city! www.philthmagazine.com THIS is edgy, THIS, is beautiful, THIS is what makes me want to move to Philadelphia if it weren't so surrounded by a ghetto and shitty for parking.

I still pay taxes, but gots me some class

2005-07-04T09:10:00.000-07:00

I still pay taxes, sure not to the King of England, but because I'm not a minority-economically challenged-entreprenuer, I don't get the good tax breaks or grants for that matter. So screw the 4th celebrations. It is too hot, and I'll have to deal with the Lakewood hicks who can't read clogging up the streets.

I was centering my schedule around "I Want To Be A Hilton"; at least that is what I planned when I heard about the show. The first episode was only funny because of the Asian beauty queen who sporadically broke out into song, oh yes, and the Irish Las Vegas dancer who has the goal of being a social climber. Baby cakes, if you are Irish, you can forget it. Really now, being born Irish you kind of shot yourself in the foot now didn't you? But alas, I will not be watching the show anymore after Mrs. Hilton dared give etiquette lessons.

Kathy, Baby-sweety-honey child: Obviously you didn't rub off on those daughters of yours. Did you remember to tell them that public nudity isn't so classy? And Kathy, just because you dine at "21" doesn't make you special in any way. In fact, I'm surprised they let you through the door. "21" is usually reserved and frequented by those who have talent. Yes, artists, writers and broadway babies who have actually acheived something. I should know, I used to eat there everytime I stopped in New York (but I won't bore readers with the "I used to be somebody, I had potential" speech). Kathy sweetness, Billy Bush, and the wine expert from "Queer Eye" are really not considered "A-Listers" to sit at the head table. Please don't put that idea in the heads on average Americans because you obviously you have a warped sense of who are the people to know. The right people. I think someone needs to give you some social lessons babe. But then again, the show title says it all now doesn't it? For those dear readers who don't know about other family members, read up because I think you will see that money doesn't buy class indeed.Christ one of them married a Gabor. A Gabor!

Now now now. I'm not saying you have to be a rich snob to have class. But I do get mad when people pretend to be something they are not, and try to teach it to others. Obviously yes, you should know the proper way of drinking wine, using the right fork, and good correspondence etiquette. Those are just basics. Public behavior is important in certain setting of course. But as many people know and what Mrs. Hilton should know, you can have a house full of cat hair, drink beer, bring up inappropraite political discussions, and have a dinner party buffett style. I can almost guarentee the people who even do that have more class than half of the new money twats walking around these days. Kimora Lee and Russell Simmons--I'm talking to you!

LIVE 8

2005-07-02T19:38:00.000-07:00

Let's raise awareness that Africa is broke and it sucks to live there by over paying aging rock acts that should have bowed out of their careers gracefully back when the first Live Aid happened. Man, I feel bad for Philadelphia--it is hard enough to find parking there as is!

I used to think Bono was kind of hot when "The Joshua Tree" came out and all of that. Now I just want him to drop dead. Maybe on his next goodwill tour he can stop by Sierra Leone; nothing like getting ambushed and having your limbs cut off by rebels to drive the message home eh? To Bono, Michael Stipe, Madonna and Sting: rebels, fanaticals, terrorists and the like all want you dead. No amount of "raising awareness" and preaching is going to change the fact that most Muslims and kookie African militants would like to see you die!

Guns and Dope

2005-06-27T17:49:00.000-07:00

Thanks to those oh-so wonderful cats in the Supreme Court, any property I own can be taken over for the good of the community--and there's nothing I can do about it. Interesting how the conservatives are the only ones who voted against this. This means any remotely cool, loft/apartment/retail spaces can be turned into WalMarts and so forth, or even a waste refinery if they see fit.

It is called Socialism baby, and to me Socialism is 30 seconds away from Communism. Taking away personal freedoms and property for the good of the community? Yeah, fab, sign me up you leeches. I hate Communists, and believe me when you've been in and lived in that kind of a country--oh honey--I can't even begin to tell you what it does to the psyche. I've always associated hippies with Communists too; baby-sweetie-honey, just because you read Karl Marx in high school or college doesn't mean you should take it so literally. Even during Glasnost, I guarentee yall would have hated living in Russia for even a week!

So if you are like me, who is somewhat Libertarian and such, come join the Guns and Dope party! www.gunsanddope.com

Outta My Way Breeders!

2005-06-23T10:24:00.000-07:00

"Everyone only wants you to have kids so you can be as miserable as they are", this was a comment made by a typically insensitive friend of mine. Only, now I have heard this quoted by 3 other friends!

Now I can't remember if it was "Life and Death in Psychoanalysis", but there is a discussion about how humans as a rule, are born prematurly compared to other species. Not only that, but that children have no basis for anything really. Do what you are taught by your parents and grandparents, but there is no longer any primal insticts to base it on. When have bred ourselves into a bunch of sissy morons really.

Top Reasons I Will Never have Children

1. Population Control. I saw Z.P.G. starring Oliver Reed, and it scared the hell out of me. I decided at age 9 that I would not procreate. Really people, why so many damn kids and most can't afford them anyways. Our planet resources and animal life aren't going to be able to handle it the next 100 years.
2. College. A top ranking university vice president stated a very good example. The cost of a 4 year college today typically runs $100,000. Now, if you take that $100,000, put it in a mutul or index fund and don't touch it for 30 years guess what happens? Your return will in fact be greater than the amount of money that college degree will actually earn you at a paying job in all that 30 years. Wow!
3. Teenagers. Enough said I think don't you?
4. Becoming one of those annoying people that does nothing but talk about their kids and complains about how they haven't got a life!
5. Most parents are unfit. I know that is a weird one, but it all comes back to the discussion in the book. Do you know how many people I'm tempted to call child services on? Not to mention none of us really have a clue anyways, so why screw up some one else's little life? I have seen so many idiotic parents who even have additional kids to get better Welfare increases! Sick sick sick. I know alot of people thinks they are the best parent and do it the right way; guess what sweeties, you are most likely turning out one warped human being. Get a dog or a cat. It is easier.

Cool Butt Munch

2005-06-23T09:03:00.000-07:00

I am one of just many who get this piece of crap www.coolcleveland.com as a newsletter in my mailbox despite repeated requests to be removed from the list. Why am I never removed? And why do so many other in fact get 3 or 4 copies at a time? To up the numbers of its readership baby; yes this webzine that looks like it was created circa 1994 actually gets funding! The Cleveland Foundation among other actually gives significant arts grants to this man...

A webzine being run as a non-profit? Well, we are in the non-profit center of the country, and believe me, non-profits are worse than big corporations as far as money waste and corruption in so many ways. Only insead of yes-men in suits you get frumpy housewife types wearing ugly sweaters. So, not only does this piece of bile get funding to pay it's writers about what's "hip" (yeah sweetie, civic leaders are sooo hip!), but people are charged an admission to the cool cleveland nights out. Break it down boy:

*All the vendors donate their wears for these events
*People pay an admission fo $25 or more
*Artists pay $100 per table to display artwork for some events
*Cool Cleveland gets a grant...hmmm. So who pockets all of that money ?

Honey, it don't cost a dime to run a website hardly, and the quality of writing is not even worth those $30 a pop stories. I know Mr. Mulready likes to take out the writers and treat them to drinks on his tab (again paid for by the grants), so why then when artists displayed their work in the Colonial Arcade were they charged $100 for the priviledge? (and yes the artists told me it was so not worth it)

Thom, honey, I know you like to parade around on your Segway, Razorscooter, Rollerblades and wear the silly hat to look artsy. But please, stop going to conventions and telling people you represent what is "edgy" in Cleveland or that you are going to help it get hip. Have you ever been to NYC Thom? Ever been to Miami? Anything? Because if you have, you'd know that hat won't get you taken seriously and it only worsens our city image in the eyes of others. Just go back to the wife and kids in whatever suburb you crawled out from, and stop riding on other organizations coat tails. You didn't pay for sponsorship for Sparx in the City (yet you started to call it the cool cleveland Sparx in the City) and that CMJ commercial (which you have nothing to do with either)? Well, I'm just speachless...everyone was. I know I know, you won the first Communicator of Year Award (whatever that is) but baby, people win Grammys and American Music Awards all the time too. You are a chunky, white, middle aged, huckster. Madonna can get away with reinventing herself all the time (and even she is pushing limits with that these days), but honey, just be yourself and fix the leaky sink in the kitchen--I'm sure your wife would be grateful for that.

Why oh Why?

2005-06-22T08:52:00.000-07:00

You may be asking why I am "punchy and stabby"? Well, not that I don't like people, just stupid ones. Okay maybe I just can't stand humanity as a rule, because really not a day goes by where I don't want to strangle someone and ask, "what the hell is wrong with you?!"

I've lived in alot of cities around this country, and somehow ended up in Cleveland. Why? Well kids, there really isn't any place left to go. If you want a place that has all the same crap as any other city that is still cheap--this is it. However, one thing that Really gets me punchy and stabby is the low self-esteem the city has. Not only that, but no one really seems to have any ambition, if they do, they leave for NYC or some crap.

This is supposed to be a city about rock and roll, yet honestly who were the last relevant bands from Cleveland? Dead Boys and Pere Ubu? Yeah...decades ago honey, AND the Dead Boys moved to NYC (see how that works?). The problem? Yes, lack of ambition and again the low self-esteem probably due to the fact that the sports teams never win. While I do always say that bands in L.A. and such aim too high ("I want to be a major label whore"), Clevelanders aim too low....way too low. Sorry sweeties but playing your pal's BBQ or birthday party at Edison's in Tremont isn't going to say much about your standards. Now, there is a theory that Amercia died in the 70's. I think this is true because Cleveland used to be a pretty awesome place from what I understand. 1970's roll around and everything when down the toilet. Really America went down the toilet. Was it the gas crisis, the Japs making better cars, Watergate, disco? I guess that is like asking what factors started the Civil War huh? Too many to name.

I'll be talking more about the decline of style in America
Why CoolCleveland.com is so not cool
Why bands are dumb asses
and why I think young kids today are fatter and stupider.

-Weeeee!

Welcome...

2005-06-21T22:27:00.000-07:00

I just drank half a bottle of red wine....get back to me tomorrow.